This mini-lesson is our thank you. In it, you’ll find two ways that make asking for what you want in sex easier.
“When I talk about what I want or need in sex, it doesn’t go well. My partner often gets offended or feels criticized. I don’t know how to say it so my partner will understand me.”
If you’ve felt this way, I understand. For years I tiptoed around my sexual desires. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to say it right. It didn’t work.Every time I brought up my needs in sex, we’d fight. Instead of feeling understood, I felt tense and distant.
I’ve found the key to successful sex talks is not to say it right or be extra careful. Counterintuitively, I’ve found saying the truth even more boldly creates the closeness and understanding I always wanted.
Now when I express myself in bed, my partner feels excited to give me what I want. He’s turned on by it and wants to understand me. It’s night and day different from how it was in the past. You can have that, too.
I’m about to teach you two moves that have the power to end fights about sex. They’ll make it easy to talk about your desire. WARNING: they also might make you blush.
I suggest trying them for yourself to see if they increase closeness and connection between you and your partner.
PS: These moves work just as well whether you’re married, dating, or having a one-night stand.
What’s something you wish your partner would do in sex?
What would you gain if your partner gave you what you wanted?
Answering these questions is the first step to eliminating fights about sex. Here’s how it works:
A woman client of mine called last week, upset. “He always touches me too roughly and quickly,” she steamed. “I’ve asked him to slow down a million times. Now when I say anything it turns into a fight. I don’t know what to do!”
Nearly every person I know has been caught in this painful dilemma: we bring up a sexual desire and instead of feeling cared for and listened to… we feel blamed, hurt, and completely misunderstood.
When this used to happen to me, I would shut down. It took guts to bring up what I wanted. Being rejected really hurt. Happily, since then I’ve found a solution.
“I hear you want slower touch,” I told to my client.
“Yes,” she said, curtly.
“Why do you want that?”
Her tone immediately softened. “I want him to go slower because I want to feel more comfortable when we’re having sex. I want to relax and drop my guard and let him all the way in.”
I got the shivers. “Have you ever told him that?” I asked. Her silence showed me she hadn’t.
Once she included her bold “because,” everything changed.
That night she told her partner what she wanted and why she wanted it, and her partner’s behavior instantly changed. Instead of feeling bossed around, he felt motivated to touch her differently. The last thing he wanted was for her to be uncomfortable during sex! When she included the bold “because” he became her champion.
Can you imagine how it would feel if your partner enthusiastically wanted to give you everything you’ve ever needed?
You can have it. Start by saying what you need AND also why you need it.
“I want _________________ because I want to feel ___________________.”
I love romance, but seduction is over-rated.
Too often it feels staged at best, creepy at worst. Pressure builds on both sides. He tries to make the right moves. She forces a laugh for his jokes. She shows off, hoping to impress her. He worries he won’t measure up but doesn’t show it.
Initiating sex can be much simpler, more enjoyable, and more connected than that.
First, identify what you want to do: go on a date, cuddle, have sex, etc.
Then, simply tell your partner. Ask if they want to do it with you.
“I want to ________________. Would you like to ________________ with me?” Yes, it can be that simple.
“Wait… but… what about setting the mood? I’m going to get slapped if I’m that direct!” I understand these fears, but in my work with thousands of women and couples, I’ve found the opposite is true. They report feeling safer (and sexier) hearing their partners’ bold desire. Think about it: do you enjoy it when your partner beats around the bush, keeps quiet, or drops hints hoping you get the message? Or do you like it when they tell you what’s on their mind?
If your partner says “yes” to your bold asking, fantastic. If your partner says “no” to your bold asking, also fantastic. You expressed yourself, and that’s a powerful move for your sex life.
Here’s another version of bold asking you can try. It all started back when I was a kid…
Growing up, the most common sexual dynamic I saw was my dad grabbing my mom’s butt and her swatting him away. It was a simple little gesture I didn’t think anything of until I became an adult and started experiencing it myself. Not much is as humiliating as being rejected sexually by a partner. It’s painful and embarrassing. It can be hard to try again after hearing “no.”
This process makes it easier.
First, sit down with your partner and ask him or her: “I want to approach you for sex in a way you really enjoy. What’s a good way to let you know I’d like to have sex?”
Second, and this is really important, just listen. Your partner is most likely telling you the truth. Next time you’re walking on eggshells wondering how to approach your partner, remember what your partner told you and try that instead.
Do these moves and conversations sound awkward? That’s good news! Awkwardness is a sure sign that we’ve left our comfort zone and headed into uncharted waters. Leaving our comfort zone is an essential step if we want sexual fulfillment.
I challenge you to try one of these moves tonight with your partner or on your next date.
After you do, I want to hear about it! Please contact me with your stories.
At bezstone.com we promote mutually satisfying sex. We’re inspiring the world about a new method of sex that turns “he wants more sex than she does” on its head. After going through our programs, our clients reliably laugh because now she won’t leave him alone.
When sex is mutually fulfilling it feels better for everyone. Our clients report feeling more connected, relaxed, and uninhibited in their relationships.
We’ll keep you in the loop about opportunities to explore new products. Thanks again for your help.