When it comes to intimate relationships, nothing has the capacity to be as fulfilling and connecting OR as frustrating and confusing as sex.
As a human, you contain two templates for fulfillment. Right now, you’re probably using the wrong one when you’re having sex—especially you or your partner is a woman.
This is why you might:
- Want more or less sex than your partner does—and feeling frustrated, imbalanced, lonely, or anxious about it
- Have the desire to really please your partner and give them a unique experience of pleasure, but not feeling confident in how to do that
- Feel stuck in your head thinking or fantasizing during sex and have trouble relaxing, letting go, and being present for the experience.
- Wonder why your or your partner’s libido seems to have disappeared (especially after having kids)
- Lay awake at night after a sexual encounter thinking, “That was OK… but there’s got to be more than this.”
As you learned in the Conscious Life Summit, these symptoms don’t mean there is anything wrong with you, your partner, or your relationship. They are simply indicators that you’re having the old kind of sex.
The answer? Start practicing a new way to connect.
These 5 exercises are the start of the new kind of sex that works for women’s bodies and brings EVERYONE more fulfillment, connection, true presence, and enjoyment. The best part is—they only take 8 minutes.
Why 8 Minutes?
In my talk for the Conscious Life Summit, I explained how sexual arousal and the new kind of sex use your involuntary system. Similar to falling asleep at night, getting turned on and discovering your desire can not be forced—because they aren’t voluntary experiences, especially for women.
Instead, just like falling asleep at night, getting turned on and feeling your own sexual desire simply needs the right conditions to come out. Create the conditions, and your natural desire will arise unbidden—and it will often surprise you and not be what you expected!
One of the greatest inhibitors of sexual pleasure and functioning is pressure and expectations, especially for women. Nothing shuts down a woman’s arousal or desire more.
By using the timer as your “container” for sexual connection, you will take the pressure OFF and allow space for desire to emerge.
For each exercise:
Set the timer on your phone for 8 minutes. Do the activity listed for the full time, not longer and not shorter. When the timer goes off, stop! No matter what is happening or seems like it’s about to happen. Simply observe what occurs for you as you connect and then as you stop the connection at the prescribed time. How was that experience different than normal sex? What did you like better, what worse? What do you notice in your body?
At the end of the 8 minutes, you can share a “snapshot” of a moment in time when you felt something during the exercise.
- Kiss with no goal. For 8 minutes, kiss your partner—only kissing—with no goal except to enjoy yourself. Don’t try to “turn your partner on” or get them to want more. Simply feel the sensations in your lips and mouth. When the timer goes off, stop.
- Stop before you’re “done.” In the old way of having sex, climax was the goal and the signal that sex was “over.” In this new kind of sex, there is no goal. Set the timer for 8 minutes and be sexual in some way—have intercourse or oral sex with your partner. Intentionally try NOT to climax in the 8 minutes. When the timer goes, off stop.
- Smell your partner. How often do we take each other in with the senses we don’t normally use? For 8 minutes, use only your sense of smell to explore your partner’s body. What do you notice? How does it feel to be “smelled?”
- Just get naked. Take all your clothes off and get into bed. Lay next to each other for 8 minutes, touching your sides together. What do you notice occurs in your body as you are next to you partner naked but not engaged sexually? Observe whatever arises without judgement.
- The new kind of oral sex. Remember, the new kind of sex has no goal except to connect and to feel. Put your mouth on your partner’s genitals. For 8 minutes, do what YOUR MOUTH wants to do to their genitals. Forget about what they want or what is normal. Instead, extract pleasure from their body using your mouth. See how this changes your experience.