Breaking news: self-consciousness and awkwardness in sex and relationships is NOT lethal.
If you’re like me, you may feel that if you are unsure, awkward, or fumbling when you’re flirting, connecting, or being sexual that you’re making a big mistake—that you are going to screw everything up.
I’m here to say I’m living proof that it’s not true. In fact, I advocate for awkwardness and “doing it wrong” when it comes to sexual contact.
Why? Certainly, you know the typical adage that sex, like so many spiritual paths, is not a destination—it’s a journey. That when we remove the goals and expectations that drive us towards the finish line, our sexual connections become much more natural, enjoyable, and fulfilling.
I want to take this even further. I’ve found, in my own sexual experiences and through listening to thousands of others, that there is something that feels even better than doing it right or reaching the finish line in sex: it’s the act of discovery.
Yes, the act itself of discovering and being discovered is what feel best for many of us—especially if we are women. It’s not “doing it right” or being the perfect lover with the most practiced technique that makes sex truly satisfying. No, it’s exploring and being explored that has sex feel interesting and rewarding for women and for all of us.
This is why “hot new techniques” often backfire in truly inspiring and igniting women’s sexual desire. Certainly, a skilled lover or a new toy can feel wonderful, or bring us more easily to orgasm. But does it inspire us, ignite us, turn us on purely for the sheer thrill we feel in our own bodies? Is it the thing that feels so good we would beg for it? Is it true fulfillment?
Usually not. That’s not because hot new sexual techniques aren’t useful, but because they miss the vulnerable, raw truth of what makes sex so enjoyable—and that’s the act of discovering and being discovered in a sexual adventure into the unknown.
In this way, when awkwardness pops up in sex, or self-consciousness consumes us in a new relationship, it’s not a problem—in fact, it’s an asset. Because it’s a signpost that we’re out on an adventure beyond our typical stomping ground. And that’s where we will find fulfillment—not from reaching the destination just beyond the uncertain landscape of sexual contact but by collaborating and enjoying the process of traversing that landscape. Finding the way together is what makes sex the most fun and rewarding.
Do you try to avoid feeling awkward or self-conscious in bed? Do you try to say things perfectly when you’re flirting? What would happen if you stopped and instead allowed yourself to not know and discover the connection in real time instead?
Advocate for women's sexual fulfillment