How to Get Your Boyfriend to Do the DishesPractical advice for cranking up your dish magnet
The other day, a friend texted me with a question: “How do I get my boyfriend to do the dishes more often?” It’s a common complaint I hear among women—wanting more support and more attention.
I recently entered into a relationship where my boyfriend does almost all of the housework: dishes, laundry, he even cleans my car. I walk in after work and the place is sparkling. He hands me a plate of food. It’s. Awesome! So my friend knew I was a good person to ask.
I told her that the traditional response would be, “Ask him to do the dishes.” And there’s certainly truth in that: if we don’t ask for what we want, we significantly reduce our hopes of getting it. Period.
Yes, please oh please get comfortable asking for what you want in relationships and in sex and in your life. Because your desire is what makes the world go ‘round and what makes this planet interesting to live on. And at the same turn, as a model for true sexual and relationship fulfillment I find the solitary advice, “Just ask for what you want,” lacking in depth.
What’s usually true is that most of us don’t want to have to ask (again). That’s the whole point, right?
Chances are, if we are struggling with a relationship issue, we HAVE asked. Possibly hundreds of times. Probably in many different tones and in different ways. We’ve probably asked so much that by now we are frustrated and have resorted to straight up nagging. And if nagging got us our dream lives… well then all of us insightful, motivated women would be the most fulfilled people on the planet!
Which from what I hear around the block of the Internet, isn’t quite the case.
We don’t want to ask all the time. We want our partners to be psychic!
Enter the traditional relationship advice yet again: “That’s unreasonable. No one is psychic! If you don’t ask and then expect him to read your mind, you’re setting unrealistic expectations.” And again, I agree—no one is psychic and having the guts to express what we want is essential to our sexual and emotional happiness.
And expressing desire alone won’t always get the job done. Claiming what you want in an ecosystem that isn’t primed, that isn’t moist and fertile and ready and willing to deliver on desire, won’t actually produce the results you’re looking for.
In addition to claiming what we want, we ALSO need to take the next step: which is getting willing to have it.
Enter the power of receptivity.
The antidote to nagging or “asking all the time” is to become a master receiver who draws what she wants towards her.
Let me stop here and tell you that the concept of receptivity has NOT come naturally to me. I am a powerful, bold woman. Historically, I’ve been on the predatory side of relationships. If I wanted something, I would go after it—men, careers, experiences, new clothes. Mention the word “reception” and I would make a face. It sounded girly, weak, and like New Age spiritual garbage. No, thank you.
Yet amidst my face-making, I had to admit my aggressive, direct methods weren’t getting me what I really wanted—especially when it came to sex and relationship.
I’ve learned through experience that telling everyone what to do all the time is a full time job! Plus it’s annoying and is NOT sexy. It tends to make the people around you nervous. And—it’s exhausting.
It also turns out that when we chase after something—it runs away from us. It’s the darndest thing!! This equated to me having a hard time keeping men interested in me, which was a hit to my self-esteem. I felt self-conscious and struggled with letting go and enjoying myself in sex. I would lay awake after a sexual encounter and think… “There has to be more than this.” But I had no idea what it was.
Receptivity is a super power that we use all the time, we just don’t acknowledge it or value it because we don’t understand what it is (or at least I didn’t… maybe you do and you can share your experiences with it). We conflate it with “not doing anything” or “being passive.” It’s anything but that. It’s active and magnetic. It’s the force that pulls the tides of the oceans and draws the rain down from the sky. It’s a vacuum!! And what’s that famous phrase? “Nature abhors a vacuum.” That’s right, that means if you can use the power of reception to create what you want by creating vacuums. They are like holes that are begging to be filled.
Back to my friend who asked about her boyfriend and getting him to do the dishes, from way back at the beginning of this article. I told her the traditional advice, and then I told her my advice: “Make your dish hole bigger. Make it so big that he has no other choice but to fall into it and do the dishes.
“The best part is, he won’t even know WHY he’s doing the dishes. He’ll just be compelled to do them and you won’t have to say anything.”
If this sounds like woo-woo bullshit to you, I can assure you—it’s not. First off, how well is your nagging working? Second off, I am one of the most practical, feet on the ground people I know and I can tell you, this shit works. Receptivity is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. It’s high time you started using it!
Here are my tips for becoming a master receiver and cranking up your vacuum powers of attraction to get what you want without working really hard or turning into a nagging machine to make it happen:
1. Take the compliment
One of the most disabling things you can do for your receptivity is to not RECEIVE what’s being given to you. Receiving what’s being given is what strengthens your muscles, make that vacuum force stronger. It carves a groove in your brain that says, “We receive things and they are good things.” And then you train yourself that it’s ok to have more and more.
Because let’s face it, most of us (especially us women) have been conditioned to believe if we take too much we are selfish, or greedy, or too demanding.
Very often in our culture we attempt to deflect positive comments. “You look nice!” And we say, “Oh geez, I’ve gained 5 pounds in the last month.”
OK—stop doing that! Deflecting attention not going to make you more receptive to the attention you are dying for. It’s going to train your partner to NOT notice you or compliment you, because complimenting you makes you uncomfortable.
So take the compliment. Just breathe and say, “Thank you.” Carve that groove in your brain so that more attention can naturally fall in
2. Be affected by everything.
In order to crank up your receptive powers, you need to actually take in and be impacted by everything around you. It’s both a blessing and a curse. It means you’ll feel more, which is great because you’re alive, and.. It means also you’re FEEL more which is UGH GOD! OUCH F(*@$(*@&^$K#!!!!
Still, the side effects of sensitizing yourself and being affected by the world are well worth it. When you allow yourself to be affected, you give your partner feedback about how they are impacting you. It’s one of the best things you can do to train a man in how to treat you well: let him see and feel the impact his actions have on you—nothing more and nothing less.
I’m not talking about a demonstrative show of emotion, or some fake crying. I’m talking the real thing. I’m saying just show the real reaction. Let yourself be visible as you’re affected by the world around you.
3. Enjoy yourself.
You know those friends who make everything fun? Those friends are awesome because whether you’re stuck in traffic or at your favorite park, you know you’re going to have a good time with them. Or that the conversation is going to be real. Those friends are the best right?
Those friends are committed to enjoying themselves no matter what. They don’t wait for circumstances to align so they can be fulfilled. They come ready to “get off” on life.
Be that kind of friend in your relationships.
Enjoying yourself means capturing the moment and letting it rock your world. Whether it’s with sadness or pleasure, joy or terror, you can enjoy anything you get your hands on. You can relish it for all its worth, extracting all the enjoyment possible. When you do this you become an incredibly safe woman for a man to be around, because he knows he can please you. And that’s all he really wants to do, believe it or not.
4. Appreciate what IS working.
Building on the good is essential in any relationship. Let’s face it, your partner is going to fuck up. Royally. Possibly often. Let’s face it: you are smart and think you could rule the world if we all let you, and everyone would be happier because of it. And that’s probably true! Your insight is like gold.
And here’s your first world ruling tip: people who feel appreciated will give you their best. They will feel safe and confident, and will blow your mind with their loyalty and creative support.
People who feel unvalued, nagged at, or like they’re constantly screwing up don’t feel safe to open up and will withhold from you. Not because they don’t love you, but because it’s vulnerable bordering on panic-inducing to disappoint someone they care about (ie: YOU!).
When we articulate the good and get specific about what DID work, what we DO like, when we ARE thrilled, we make the ecosystem fertile ground for more of it.
It’s the small moments that matter: that moment when he looked at you and you smiled. Tell him how you liked it. That time when you needed them and they had your back. Mention it, describe what it was like for you, explain how good it felt so they can feel it.
Increase your powers of receptivity and watch the results that happen in your life! If you are bold enough to try any of these tips, please share your experiences below in the comments.
If you’re ready to really turn up your vacuum and starting using it to create the relationships and intimacy you really want, you can have it! I offer private coaching and also online classes that teach women just that very thing. Click the button below to get started!
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