After 5 years of intensive sexual research, 20 years of intensive consciousness research, and 38 years of life, I can say without a doubt: No one is broken. When it comes to sex, when it comes to love, when it comes to relationships, desire, or pleasure.
It’s not possible to be broken, even, because being those ideas only exist when we measure ourselves against a hypothetical standard of “perfect sex,” “perfect person” or “perfect love.” This standard is unrealistic and unattainable. And when I say that, I don’t mean—”Don’t feel badly if you don’t attain it.”
I mean—it’s plastic. I mean it’s fake. It would be like eating cardboard food and expecting yourself to feel nourished and full. It would be like lamenting why you can’t turn your skin blue. No one can. That’s not how skin goes.
The same is true for sex and our sexual experiences.
I spent so many years worrying that there was something wrong with me and my body. And by wrong I mean deviating from “normal” or expected—especially when it came to sex.
I have always been sensitive and unpredictable in my libido. It’s felt both like “too much” and “too little” throughout my life. I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic and a taste for the taboo. I’ve run the gamut from being in a sexless marriage to being a full-time dominatrix.
Now, I am certain that there are many, many things “wrong” with me! And my life has gotten much more fulfilling.
By “wrong” I mean that I deviate from a plastic doll and am instead a living, changing women. By “wrong” I mean I don’t reliably comply with how I thought I was “supposed” to be: what I thought I was supposed to like sexually, how I thought I was supposed to act in a relationship, how women were supposed to look or sound or feel during intimacy.
And thank God. Can you imagine how dull, unfulfilling, and joyless life would be if our bodies all worked in the same exact way? Can you imagine if there was a cookie cutter mold for sex and “great sex” meant following the same script night after night?
No, thank you. I prefer to deviate any day away from what’s expected and towards what *I* like—towards my own body.
If you ever feel the same way I want to tell you, there is nothing broken about you, your body, or your desire. Not one thing. What is broken are our cultural assumptions and misconceptions about what sex IS and how to have it.
I want every one of you to have access what inspires you sexually and nourishes you. I want you to enjoy the incredible feeling of discovering and accepting your basic nature, letting go of the expectations, and letting loose your deeply personal enjoyment.
How do you deviate from a plastic doll? What’s one aspect of yourself or your sexual experience that you could embrace right now, instead of call “broken”?
Advocate for women's sexual fulfillment