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Week 1 Sexual Research

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Week 1 Upgraded Sex Ed

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When Sex Works for a Woman, She'll Hunt Her Partner Down for it

My early education in man-woman sexual dynamics was watching my mom swat my dad away every time he tried to grab her butt. Popular culture shows us repeatedly: “Men are rapaciously horny. Women must constantly defend themselves against it.” Because women don’t like sex as much as men do. It’s just biology, the myth goes. Add some vague references to “hormones” and that’s been the basic assessment of women’s sexuality.

That myth is, for lack of a better word, total bullshit.

Women love and want sex. As much as men do. Sometimes more.

You’re going to see why in these Upgraded Sex Ed lessons, and you’re going to feel why throughout the course of doing your own personal research.

“But…” you might be thinking, “I’m a man and I do want more sex than my partner does.” Or, “I’m a woman, and I have lost my libido. At night, I’d rather read my book than have sex—espeically sex with my husband.”

Understandably so, woman. I used to feel that way, too.

Before I applied the principles and techniques you’re going to learn in this program, the idea of “hunting my man down for sex” was laughable. The only thing I hunted him down for was to help with the kids and reach the taller items in the pantry. Before I understood how my sexual fulfillment worked, sex was near the bottom of my daily priority list. “It takes so much work to have sex—to get in the mood and put on the show. I don’t have time for that,” I told myself. I also didn’t feel very connected to my husband. When we did get some quality time together, I didn’t want to just jump into sex. I needed to feel more in sync with him in order to get turned on and want him. He seemed to feel the opposite.

By the time I was 30 years old, sex had become a chore that I did for my husband’s sake, not for my own. It became another item on my to-do list. No wonder I didn’t want to have it!

The truth is, if I were still having the kind of sex I used to have back then, I’d still be burying my nose in my latest thriller and hoping my guy didn’t reach across the sheets.

Because I used to have typical sex. And typical sex, it turns out, isn’t enjoyable for women.

It’s not that women don’t like sex; it’s that the way many of us are having sex leaves women cold.

What You Can Change Right Now to Enjoy Sex More

I adopted my prevailing framework for sex during my 7th-grade sex ed class with Mrs. Bronson. I had recently uncovered my eyes during some sex and romance scenes in movies. I started experimenting with masturbation. And I gawked along with my classmates to awkward “Health” lessons in which we all examined different types of tampons and boys stuck menstrual pads all over themselves.

In that class, I saw my first visual depiction of pleasure. It was an imagine that would haunt my sex life and inspire my career as a sex educator: the orgasm graph.

You’ve most likely seen it, too. This depiction below might, in fact, be the very one I saw circa 1991 sex ed class.

  1. First there is arousal, which starts momentum upward.
  2. Next comes excitement and feelings of more turn on.
  3. Excitement builds steadily, faster and faster, harder and harder.
  4. At peak excitement, we enjoy the plateau stage—smooth sailing towards climax! Until—
  5. KABOOM! We reach our goal of climax and release in an explosion of pleasure.
  6. Thus, sex is complete. We rest and recover, happy and rewarded for our effort.

This isn’t just how I thought sex was supposed to go. It’s also almost every movie, novel, business plan, and workout regimen I’ve ever seen. Set your goal, do the hard work it takes to achieve your aim, and you’re happy. End of story.

The only problem was… my body didn’t work that way. Neither did my budding orgasms. My experience of climaxes was, and remained, elusive—unpredictable. As I matured into womanhood, sometimes I felt ravenous and turned on during sex, and other times I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I spent an equal amount of time adoring and loathing my capacity for pleasure. There were those magical times when sex seemed to go effortlessly—with a new boyfriend, or at a certain time of the month. At other times, no matter how hard he or I tried to deliver me to sexual ecstasy, I couldn’t get there.

Instead, I was stuck in my head, going over my taxes, wondering when this was going to be over. (More on that phenomenon later.)

My partner was never sure if I was going to smile at his advances or roll my eyes—and honestly, neither was I. I couldn’t explain why, sometimes, the harder he tried to “get me in the mood” or seduce me, the more shut down I became.

As the years went by, the “he’s trying to get me in the mood for sex” dynamic persisted. I became less and less interested and he became more and more frustrated.

“I used to enjoy sex,” I would wonder, “what’s the problem?”

My conclusion, as so many other women have privately arrived at, was: “There must be something wrong with me. Or else there’s something wrong with him…”

He wasn’t touching me correctly. He needed to learn a better technique. I just wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I needed a new partner, someone with some relationship skills.

I wasted so much time and energy on these thoughts, and on the pain and confusion that came along with them.

Now I know with 100% certainty that there was nothing wrong with me or my partner. Neither of us was the problem.

The problem was that the sex I learned to have in 7th grade never included my total sexual fulfillment. The graph above isn’t the whole story of pleasure.

What finally gave me access to my own sexual pleasure wasn’t a new partner or a new technique. It was a new understanding of how women’s sexual expression, fulfillment, and desire works. Once I understood that, my confidence, enjoyment, and sexual connections improved—permanently.

Two Ways to Have Sex (or Eat Ice Cream)

The biggest key to my sexual enjoyment has been my understanding of the two systems that guide all endeavors of pleasure—both sex and ice cream. They are what I call the Masculine Operating System and the Feminine Operating System.

Let’s explore them both so you gain the benefit of greater sexual pleasure.

Your Masculine Operating System: Point A to Point B

Whenever I wanted to improve something about my life—to get in shape, let’s say—I would set my goal, make a plan for achieving it, and then implement my plan. Most of us would do the same. We find a gym, create a workout routine, and repeatedly clock in. If we keep it up over time, we will reach our goal of getting in shape, right?

This is the Masculine OS at work, and it’s the most highly effective way to reach our goals. It helps us reach a specific outcome — get in shape, ask for a raise, or even grab a pint of ice cream from the freezer.

  • The Masculine OS is a voluntary system meaning: we can make it happen directly.

Example: I could decide right now to stand up and jog to the fridge to grab a pint of ice cream. I might feel like to jogging, and the fridge may be woefully empty of ice cream. But I could, barring physical injury, make my legs move instantly at my command towards the freezer Right? That’s the Masculine OS in action.

Your Feminine Operating System: Rules be Damned!

The Feminine Operating System works differently. It governs our primal, involuntary experiences like sleep, emotions, err—bathroom activities, and—you guessed it—women’s sexual arousal and fulfillment.

Here, the strategies of the Masculine OS do not work. If I told you to start sweating right now, could you do it? Could you make yourself fall asleep right now, the same way you could get up and jog to the freezer? No, me neither.

Because that’s not how sleep (or sweating) works. We can’t directly control it.

  • The Feminine OS is involuntary: you can’t make it happen—instead, you allow it to happen.

Our involuntary responses operate outside of our control. And thank God! Without our involuntary nervous system, we’d be exhausted, overheated, and not breathing.

In terms of sex, the Masculine OS takes a direct approach to sexual fulfillment—that trip around the bases in hopes of a home run. Sex in the Masculine OS is:

  • Linear, and moves from point A to point B
  • Based on repeating what’s worked in the past
  • Aimed at a goal—usually intercourse and/or climax

The Masculine OS measures success by reaching the goal in the most efficient way.

The Feminine OS uses a wildly different approach—one that ambiguous and is set into motion by letting go of control. Feminine OS sex is:

  • Patternless, unpredictable, and constantly changing
  • Based on what feels good in this moment, regardless of past or future
  • Has no definable start and end point, and no consistent goals

The Feminine OS measures success not by reaching a predetermined goal, but instead by how an experience “feels” in the moment. If we feel connected, intimate, moved, or inspired, the Feminine OS registers success.

Think about that: the Feminine experience of sexual fulfillment isn’t generated by reaching a goal. It’s generated by forgetting about the goal, releasing control, and allowing ourselves to be moved by our desire.

This is why most sex advice fails women—it doesn’t speak to the framework of how women’s fulfillment actually works. Tips like “have more orgasms” might produce a few minutes of pleasure, but not a lifetime of sexual joy, connection, or gratification.

This is also why women complain their partners don’t “get them” sexually: because most of us are trying to make this smooth progression of the graph of the left happen, when in fact our bodies work like the graph on the right.

What this Means for Your Sex Life

This means that:

  • As women and men, we’re using sexual strategies that backfire in unleashing women’s desire, enjoyment, and sexual fulfillment.
  • We can’t make women’s libidos, desires, or fulfillment happen.

You may be furrowing your brow and wondering, “We can’t DO anything about sex? Isn’t that why we signed up for this training?”

Many couples approach me feeling frustrated and confused for this very reason. All of the methods and strategies they’ve used to revive her libido, bring her to orgasm, or find ultimate fulfillment have fallen short—and they have no idea why.

I’ll tell you why: because the strategy of “following the logical steps and working hard to solve your problem” is a Masculine OS strategy. It might produce an orgasm, but it will never produce ultimate sexual fulfillment for women.

We cannot make a woman’s libido, desire, or fulfillment happen.

The most essential two words for women’s sexual fulfillment are:

Letting go.

When we let go of controlling or forcing our sexual experiences, our involuntary Feminine Operating Systems take over. That’s what feels the best for women—and ultimately, for everyone. Because men, let’s get real: what is hotter or more compelling than a woman who is completely out of her mind with pleasure?

Nothing.

Therefore, women’s sexual fulfillment is instrumental to EVERYONE’S fulfillment.

Women, the best thing you can do to satisfy your partner is allow yourself to feel more pleasure—in the way that feels best for YOUR body.

Want Sex Women Love? Fall Asleep

Like we spoke about above, women’s uninhibited arousal, desire, and orgasm can not be generated by direct methods. The Masculine OS strategies of…

  • Repeat what worked last time
  • Steadily gain momentum
  • Go harder and faster
  • Aim for the goal

…completely backfire with women. These attempts more often than not put pressure on women, shutting their desire down and turn them OFF.

It’s time to retire our “round the bases” approach to sex and upgrade our sex education to one that includes women and the Feminine Operating System.

When working with the Feminine OS, we can’t directly cause sexual arousal to happen. We can’t force it. We can only allow it to happen. There are three essential ways to do this:

  1. Drop our expectations about how sex is “supposed” to go, thereby eliminating pressure and liberating the libido.
  2. Create the conditions that make women’s libidos, desire, and orgasm more likely to emerge.
  3. Allow a unique and unpredictable sexual experience to overtake you, as if you are giving it a life of its own.

You may be reading these and thinking, “Create the conditions—what the heck does that mean?! ‘More likely to emerge?’ Dear God, we’re never going to have sex again.”

Before you despair, I want to provide a real life example of  “doing without making happen” that you succeed at every single night of your life: falling asleep.

Remember a few pages ago, we agreed that you couldn’t make yourself fall asleep on command? That it was instead something that happened outside of your control?

That’s right: the only way you have ever fallen asleep is by creating the conditions that make sleep likely to occur—and then allowing it to overtake you.

There are a few basic conditions proven to signal the body it’s time for sleep. They are so basic, we take them for granted:

  • Being in an enclosed environment (like a room)
  • Dimming the lights
  • Decreasing sudden or loud noises
  • Becoming horizontal,
  • Closing our eyes

These might seem, “duh, Bez,” obvious and, in addition—not very sexy. Stick with me on this. Knowing that you’re capable of falling asleep has everything to do with liberating your libido and sexual fulfillment. Because women’s libidos work in the same way: when we create the proper conditions, relax, and let go, the Feminine OS takes over.

Let’s take it one step further.

If your learned your colleague stood upright all night, with the lights blaring, while blasting music—and then complained about insomnia—you might suggest she get some mental help. Because no one in their right mind could fall asleep under such conditions!

This is exactly how it sounds to me when women come to my office wondering why they aren’t why they aren’t turned on or enjoying sex.

Women: Our libidos are alive and well inside of our bodies. And they know exactly how to connect, fill us with desire, and carry us to deep, inspiring, and gratifying sexual landscapes.

We simply need to provide the proper conditions—otherwise, our desire (which is an involuntary response) literally can’t come out.

How to Find Total Fulfillment

When we provide the proper conditions, our natural interest in sex reawakens and our fulfillment skyrockets. We connect with our partners in a wide variety of ways, and have more fun, ease, and exploration in our bedrooms.

This training will teach you how to do that.

The Sex Women Love Changes Constantly

The upgraded framework for sex that works for women’s bodies is different than conventional, round-the-bases sex.

Conventional sex usually follows a predictable order: first you kiss, then you touch each other, then maybe you have oral sex, before you finish with intercourse and climax.

Like we learned in the last module, women’s uninhibited desire doesn’t follow a predictable, repetitive pattern. Therefore, most women aren’t optimally turned on by conventional sex.

Sex that includes the Feminine Operating System doesn’t follow a formula or pattern. Instead it’s:

  • Unpredictable and creative
  • Starts and ends in a variety of ways
  • Unique every time
  • Focused on connecting and exploring, rather than reaching the finish line
  • Constantly changing in pace, pressure, and intensity

The constant change of women’s innate desire and expression makes sex alluring and interesting. It provides the variety we all crave because it literally never goes the same way twice!

And… this constant change also sometimes makes sex vulnerable, awkward, or confusing.

Entering any involuntary state (be it sleep or sex) is vulnerable because we don’t get to keep our conscious, rational mind active. We must let go of control—and letting go of control is no joke.

The Key to Unleashing Radical Fulfillment: Drop Your Expectations About Sex

Dropping our expectations may seem like a backwards way to get what we want… and when it comes to the Masculine Operating System, it would be backwards. The Masculine OS musters all its power towards the goal. But the Feminine, if you recall, doesn’t work that way.

The Feminine Operating System is involuntary, and therefore can only emerge when we remove all the pressure of “trying hard,” and instead simply allow it to happen. Remember, it’s just like falling asleep. If someone held a gun to your head and said, “Fall asleep now, or I’ll shoot!!” chances are the added pressure wouldn’t help you fall asleep. In fact, it would do the exact opposite!

It’s the same with sex. “Get an erection NOW, or I’ll shoot!” isn’t going to turn any man on or help him get hard. It’s the same for women—only we often experience gun-level pressure from something as seemingly harmless as a look, a comment, a thought, or an expectation.

Have you ever had that happen? Where your partner gives you one look or touches you in a certain way, and you freeze? Any sexy thoughts in your head evaporate and suddenly, you’re fighting?

Or have you ever, as a woman, been about to have an orgasm—and then suddenly it completely goes away? It’s as if all that hard work went down the drain. There are two explanations for why that happens:

  1. For many women, “trying” to have an orgasm backfires because it adds pressure, which causes pleasure and arousal to drop. This is why it can take “forever” to reach climax—because we’re not using our native Operating System to our advantage.
  2. Since Feminine fulfillment doesn’t follow a straight line and isn’t aimed at a goal, orgasm won’t always arrive “on schedule.”

Remember, the path of feminine fulfillment looks like this:

There may be a climax in there—or there may be five of them. Or there may be zero. The benefit of activating our Feminine Operating System in sex is not that we have predictable orgasms—but that we stop working so hard in sex, and instead bask in the magic of truly letting go.

We’ll explore all this in much more detail in coming weeks. For now, what’s important to understand is that it’s essential to drop our expectation that sex goes in a straight line if we want to enjoy the fullest, richest sexual experiences possible.

When we remove our expectations about how sex “should” be, we liberate our innate sexual desires.

It’s not only the technical expectations about sex we need to drop—such as how long sex lasts, how often we have it, or what position we will have it in. It’s also our most basic assumptions about what sex is and how we have.  

Assumptions like:

  • Successful sex should always end in orgasm
  • Oral sex comes before fucking
  • You have sex because you love each other
  • I should shower and shave before sex

You might read this short list and think, “Some of these are true, right? Or at least common courtesy!”

I hope that by the end of this training you will believe for yourself that ANY expectation whatsoever decreases fulfillment. And that the fulfillment we crave is found by dropping what we think “should” happen and instead allowing something unexpected to unfold.

Where the Sexual Magic Happens: Outside Your Comfort Zone

This meme (one of my favorites) pretty much explains it all.Image result for where the magic happens

If we want to get to sexual magic, we need to leave the place we know and head into the unknown together.

Leaving the comfort zone has consequences, however. We might at first feel more anxious, less certain, more confused, less confident.

But staying in the comfort zone also has consequences: boredom, monotony, mediocrity, and the status quo, to name a few.

The comfort zone of sex-as-we-know-it doesn’t awaken her deepest desire, light up her body, or captivate her interest. If it did, you probably wouldn’t be here, right? Instead, the predictability of conventional sex lowers women’s libidos. It doesn’t hold our interest for life.

Think about it… cookie cutter, conventional sex is like having the same conversation night after night and expecting ourselves to stay interested in it.  Even if the conversation was our favorite one, I can guarantee that if we repeated it word for word each night, over the years we’d feel something important was missing.

Something very important, that we can’t quite put our finger on…

This is precisely how many of you might feel about your sex life now. That “there is something MORE to it” than what you’re doing. Even if you aren’t sure what that “something more” is. I know I used to feel that way.

That feeling of “something more” is provided by including the Feminine Operating System in your sex life. Because it’s provides the kind of true variety that we all crave.

It’s unpredictable, always changing, and never the same twice! And THAT is precisely what makes this type of sex so enjoyable, intimate, and rewarding.

Sexual fulfillment isn’t found through following the same pattern every night. Those patterns limit us. If we want to spark desire and generate fulfillment, we must allow ourselves and our partners—in sex and otherwise—to change freely and often.

If you are a woman you might be thinking, “Doesn’t all this change make me fickle or high maintenance?” No! It makes you a woman, and it makes you the supplier of variety and adventure that your partner is desperately seeking.

We’ve all heard the phrase, “Men love variety.” Heard it so much that we women often fear we aren’t interesting enough for our partners.

Nothing could be further from the truth. A turned on woman is the most fascinating thing for a man because he can’t predict what she’ll do next. She takes him out of his comfort zone.

Don’t Dress Up Your Ball Team—Play a Better Game

Our judgements about change are simply cultural fears about the Feminine Operating System and the unknown.

We have these fears because we can’t control the Feminine—even the Feminine OS within ourselves.

What’s true is that constant change, unpredictability, and hair-raising adventure are NOT problems. In fact, they’re the very reason why people like women… and nature, horror movies, mystery novels, alcohol, and sports to name just a few.

Unpredictability is a commodity. Women, you are where it’s at! You elevate ordinary sex into art and make it worth having.

Sex with a woman is like playing your favorite sport. It goes like this:

  • “Your team is up—then they’re down—now there’s a foul! The coach is yelling, “Terrible call!!” The other team is ahead again—oh no, now it’s even. You think you’re going to win… and then OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, it’s tied again— The crowd goes wild.”

Is that inconvenient? No! Is all that goal scoring and change of possession and heart-racing action a nuisance, distracting you from the game? No!

THAT IS THE GAME.

It’s why we like sports at all, why they’re worth watching.

Can you imagine if sports weren’t unpredictable? Even if it meant our team won every time, if the game progressed in the same fashion every single night, month after month, year after year… who would watch them? It would lose its intrigue. It would be boring.

Yet many of us are trying to have sex in this fashion—trying to make it predictably “go well” every night. When the truth is, if you’re playing a real game, you can’t predict that.

When sex has lost its luster, many couples try to “spice it up” by adding things like lingerie or having sex in a new location (“Let’s do it in the kitchen!”). While there’s nothing inherently wrong with negligees or sex on the kitchen counter, adding them alone to an otherwise repetitive, monotonous sexual routine is not going to add in the sizzle you’re looking for.

That would be like putting new uniforms on the ball team you’ve got playing on repeat every night, and expecting yourself to be wowed by fresh outfits. Or watching them play the same carbon-copy game in Jersey instead of Philly. Sure, there may be a temporary moment of interest—”Ooh, look, they’re in red not black tonight.”

But those aren’t excitement levels worth writing home about. In my opinion, those aren’t results worth having. I want to offer you something much more enthralling, fulfilling, and rewarding than a uniform change.

I want to offer you an entirely new game.  

Humor

Laughter is one of the greatest lubricants.

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