Week 3 Upgraded Sex Ed
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How to Touch Each Other for Greater Fulfillment
It’s vital that we embrace the Feminine Operating System in sex because it’s the system that works better for sexual fulfillment.
If we want to get a task accomplished—get in shape, finish a project, fetch a pint of ice cream from the freezer—then we need to turn on our Masculine OS. It’s the one that gets goals accomplished, after all. Our Feminine OS is unreliable when it comes to goals. If we activate our Feminine OS and try to get ice cream, we might end up doing the dishes or wandering into the bathroom or, hell, going to Vegas with two male strippers instead—we really can’t predict what will happen!
Our Masculine OS is the one for goals.
Sexual fulfillment isn’t about reaching the goal.
I know, that may go against everything you know about sex and what you thought sex was. But it’s the truth.
Here are the two most common goals when it comes to sex:
If those two goals were actually all it took for radical, life-long sexual fulfillment you probably wouldn’t be here.
Most of us have had intercourse. And many of us have no problem reaching sexual climax during masturbation—there are vibrators, after all, if we are women and there is an internet full of porn, our own hand, and a bottle of lotion, if we are men.
If reaching the goal was all it took, we’d be set for life. Endless sexual pleasure at our fingertips!
And yet… that doesn’t do it.
How many of us have had sex—the penis went in the vagina—that wasn’t fulfilling? I know I have, and my guess is that most of the women at least have as well.
How many of us have had an orgasm, even one with our partners, and still felt empty, sad, or even lonely afterwards? If you’ve ever been in a strained relationship you have probably had that experience. Certainly, the climax provided some relief—but it alone did not bring you closer.
I remember one client of mine describing his sex life this way: “We only have sex in the shower, and it’s only to make me cum. We always do it from behind, and there’s no foreplay. I basically masturbate inside my wife’s vagina. It’s heartbreaking.”
I felt my own heart break as I listened to him describe it.
His story perfectly illustrates that there’s “something more” to sexual fulfillment and connection than attaining the goals of intercourse or climax.
So what is that thing? And how do we do it?
The missing element to sex is the act of letting go and exploring our connection in a way that carries us to a fresh, unique experience together.
Sexual fulfillment isn’t found by reaching the goal. It’s experienced in the moment by entering a zone of discovery, connection, and exploration together.
Women Experience Sexual Fulfillment Through the Act of Being Discovered
If you want to turn a woman on or drive her wild—listen.
It’s not about bringing her to the promised land or across the finish line—as we just proved above, the finish line alone is not fulfilling. It’s about touching her deeply in the present moment. One of the ways to touch a woman deeply is to listen to her body, and to listen for that “music” we spoke about last week.
The act of being listened to and touched and felt turns a woman on. Men, your attentive touch feels amazing for us. In this way, there’s less pressure to “do it right” than you could ever imagine.
Next time you touch your partner, imagine there is a little search light on your finger. You aren’t using your finger to “make something happen”—like an orgasm. You are instead using it to see more of her, to listen more deeply to “the music” of her desire.
If you’ve forgotten what’s fun about looking or being looked for, I invite you to play a quick game of hide-and-seek with your partner—you will remember!
Take the time to listen. Relax. Touch each other and look for each other, so that you come into deep contact. Allow the “music” that wants to play between the two of you take you somewhere unexpected. This is what feels even better than the goal and what truly blows women’s minds—and men’s, too.
Hold on—What the Heck is This “Music” Thing, Really? And How Do I Listen to It?
You might, as you’ve been read this week and last week’s Upgraded Sex Ed modules, be wondering just what “listening to the music” means. It might sound New Age-y to you, or impossibly abstract.
I’m a very practical person.
When I first heard, and tried, some of these concepts, they didn’t make any sense to me either. However, through practice, they begin to make sense and they have helped me feel far more sexual pleasure, fulfillment, and connection.
I will give you one analogy for an experience of “listening” that you have probably experienced for yourself. I was flying home from a trip to New Orleans last winter and there was a moment when the plane dropped significantly in altitude. There was no turbulence or strange noise, and we weren’t about to land. I have no idea why we went down—but down we went.
Of course, no one could SEE that we were going down. We were in an airplane, 30,000+ feet above the ground. Most of the window shades were drawn. Yet the sensation in my body that the plane was headed downward was irrefutable.
As I looked around, I noticed other passengers were registering the same sensation in their bodies and also looking around at each other as if to say, “Did you feel that, too?”
Quickly the plane leveled out, and everything went back to normal.
But I thought to myself, “That’s just what listening feels like in sex. We can’t see it, or hear it. We can’t quite describe how we know. And yet, we do—the same way we all knew that the plane was going down.”
Learning to “sense” what the music is in sex—if it’s hard-pressure heavy metal fucking or light, fluttering opera love-making — and also when the music changes (and it will change, often, veering up and down and in and out) takes practice. This is why we do Sexual Research, and why research is a cornerstone of this Training.
We learn how to listen through repeated practice and learning, “Oh—that feeling I just had means that I want sex to go faster. That feeling means I want him to lighten his touch.”
In the same way, a first-time flyer wouldn’t’ know how to interpret what they’re feeling on an airplane—what all the noises mean, what that weird feeling in their ears is. Only through flying often do we learn how to interpret our sensations.
Our bodies and our sex work in the same way.
How to Touch for Better Listening
The nerves on our skin are highly sensitive. We can experience a huge variety of sensations with our fingertips, our lips, and our genitals.
Women’s genitals, and women’s clitorises in particular, contain the densest amount of nerves that we have on our bodies. There is no more sensitive area on any human body. This means that when we touch a woman’s clitoris, or when we get our genitals touched as a woman, thousands of nerves are being made to fire by even very tiny movements.
The visible part of the clitoris is, on average, one square cm and contains 8,000 nerves. The head of a penis contains the same amount of nerve endings. However, the head of the penis is much larger therefore contains fewer nerves per square cm and is less sensitive.
For comparison, our fingertips have 2,500 nerves per square cm. This makes a human clitoris almost 4 times more sensitive than our fingertips.
This makes women’s clitorises highly responsive to even the slightest changes in pressure and location.
We often erroneously think that the way to cause our partners to feel more pleasure is to use more pressure. We’re used to reaching orgasm with vibrators, which produce an onslaught of sensation, or through watching more porn. We don’t have as much practice exploring all the sensation and pleasure available in a light touch.
We don’t practice a light touch as often because we’re used to using our touch to “make something happen”—an erection, lubrication, orgasm—rather than using our touch to listen to and feel for what is happening right now.
The first step in learning to listen and feel is to drive all of your attention into the places on your body that are touching or being touched—and just pay attention to what you feel right there.
Lighten your pressure and speed. Breathe. Keep your attention on YOUR OWN BODY, don’t worry about “what’s happening” or if you partner is happy or not. Pay attention to what we call “the point of contact—the place where your body is touching his or hers.
Over time and through practice, you will be able to use a wide array of pressures and speeds in your touch and in your sex. And you will know when it’s time to go faster and harder, when it’s time to lighten up—the same way you can know when the plane is rising and when it’s falling.
To start, unlock the idea from your mind that “most sensational” always means a faster and harder touch.
Women’s Greatest Challenge in Sex: Receiving Pleasure
As we spoke about in Week 1, we all possess an inner “masculine” and “feminine,” regardless of our gender or sexual orientation. While I’ve separated these challenges according to men and women, I suggest reading them both and seeing how you struggle with—and can overcome—each one.
Women’s Greatest Challenge in Sex: Receiving Pleasure
A woman’s greatest challenge is to enjoy sex for HER own pleasure. As women, we struggle with:
- Touching and being touched without guilt, shame, or obligation
- Fully feeling the sexual sensations in our bodies.
- Feeling our sexual sensations without judgment.
- Receiving attention and touch without “giving anything back.”
Radical sexual fulfillment and uninhibited expression are natural for us as women—and they aren’t always easy. Fully enjoying sex on our terms takes work!
I’m going to be honest with you, women: receiving as much love, attention, and adoration as our partners want to give us challenges us to the bone. It takes guts and determination to be a woman who openly takes what she wants—not more and not less—and prioritizes her own deep sexual fulfillment.
The Old Storyline: Women are “Givers”
Most of us have learned that as women we are “givers.” Many of us were taught that good women are generous, selfless, and strong. Good women are capable of taking care of everyone else.
Women are capable, generous, and strong. We genuinely love to give. The problem occurs when we believe we are ONLY givers—and that it is wrong, shameful, or even dangerous for us to receive or take what we want.
Many of us learned that wanting sex, pleasure, or attention makes us slutty, needy, or desperate. Many of us learned to quiet our desires in order to not rock the boat. Many of us stopped listening to that tiny voice inside that tells us what we like and what we don’t, because that voice didn’t match who we thought we were “supposed” to be.
As a result, most of us have turned our attention away from ourselves—and put our attention on him. Women often say to me, “I don’t feel anything in sex.” Or, “I’m not as turned on as my partner.”
I know from personal and professional experience that women are capable of feeling just as much pleasure in sex as men—if not more.
What is true, for me and my clients, is that most women aren’t looking in the right places to feel all that’s possible in sex.
Think of a woman’s sexual experience like a sunset.
A unique, gorgeous sunset happens inside of us every time we are feeling sexually aroused. But if we have our back turned to the sunset… we will miss it.
We can’t feel our own sexual pleasure because we’ve turned our attention away from where the pleasure is: in our own bodies.
Because we take our attention off of ourselves and put it onto our partners, we often have sex not based on our own desire, but instead based on obligation—because he needs it, because Cosmo’s latest survey says so, or because “that’s what good partners do.”
It was my own frustration, heartbreak, and lack of sexual fulfillment that inspired me to become a sex educator and figure out the missing ingredient in feminine sexual fulfillment.
In my 20s, I had a lot of sex. Raucous sex, sex hanging from the ceiling, multiple partners sex—if you can picture it, I did it. However, as “wild” as my sex was back then, it was 100% a performance. I was going through the motions of what great sex looked like and sounded like—I was loud, I wore sexy lingerie, my sex life seemed “hot”—but I felt empty, tired, and unappreciated. I didn’t know how to receive pleasure in sex. I only knew how to give it.
I would fall asleep after a sexual encounter feeling sure that my partner was satisfied—but not sure if I was.
Fast forward to my marriage, which turned sexless after 5 years and a few kids. I remember lying awake at night staring at the ceiling thinking, “This cannot be it. My sex life cannot be over already.” I was 32 years old at the time. I felt lonely, heartbroken, and untouched.
It took several jarring events for me to realize that my sexual fulfillment mattered, that it was in my own hands, and that it needed my immediate attention.
I had to train myself how to feel pleasure again, how to know what I wanted, and how to truly enjoy sex—and, women, you do, too. That’s what you’re here and what we’ll be exploring this week.
It takes guts and determination to put our attention on OUR OWN bodies and receive pleasure. It’s so much easier to focus on him.
Women, putting all our attention on our own bodies is our ticket to feeling more turned on, confident, and in touch with our sexuality. And it’s also the best thing we can do to satisfy our partner. Nothing feels better for a man then when a woman enjoys how he is touching her. Actively receiving a man’s touch changes sex for everyone, and turns it from a mechanical act to one that is alive, vital, and passionate.
Let’s exercise our superpower, women!
What is "receiving," really?
“Receiving” has a mystique to it. We often erroneously believe that receiving is easy and feels great all the time.
It does not.
When we start to fully put attention on ourselves, we will want to squirm away from it. Our heart will race and we will feel uncomfortable. All of our excuses will arise:
- “He’ll get bored giving us so much.”
- “I am fat, ugly, or don’t deserve this.”
- We will pick fights with him and nitpick his behavior.
- We will pretend he doesn’t care and that he’s going to leave us.
I know because I’ve done all of these—and I still do them. That’s because RECEIVING IS NO JOKE. It is not the passive experience we have made it out to be. Receiving doesn’t take less work than giving.
Receiving is an active role. It takes work and focus.
So, what is receiving, exactly?
I could talk about this for months with you—and we do cover it much more in Level 2. What I’ll say for now is this:
- Receiving, at the most basic level, means feeling whatever is occurring inside your body without adding or subtracting it, and allowing yourself to react to what you feel.
We fully receive when we allow stimulus of any kind to affect us, to go all the way through our bodies—be that stimulus pleasurable or painful.
The first step is to turn towards the sunset, to put our attention our own bodies, and begin to feel exactly what is occurring inside of us without guilt, shame, or judgement. By doing that, we strengthen our “receive” muscles and allow ourselves to feel more in the future.
Men’s Greatest Challenge in Sex: True Sexual Fulfillment
Most men, and many of us women, erroneously believe that if we could just get our partner to a destination—give her an orgasm, for example, or make her happy—then she’ll be satisfied and so will we.
Women don’t work that way. For better or worse, women’s sexual fulfillment is naturally covered with landmines. We can’t predict our next steps. And when we misstep, we sometimes get blown up.
The solution to sexual fulfillment with women isn’t about reaching a goal. It’s about developing a heightened awareness and using our senses to both navigate the moment and extract from it more pleasure than we could imagine.
Men’s relentless drive to achieve and succeed is awe-inspiring, heroic, and helpful. Men provide women with protection, wealth, and love. That drive has helped keep humanity alive.
And this same drive becomes a handicap when it comes to radical sexual fulfillment.
The Masculine drive to achieve and succeed causes three main problems sexually for men:
- You end up stuck in our heads wondering if you’re “doing it right” or whether she’s happy. This backfires by adding pressure to sex, which raises ALERT and lowers enjoyment. It also covers your own vulnerability in sex, which inhibits the real connection you want with women.
- You become rigid and inflexible around sex. Rather than listening to your partners and turning sex into an adventure, you make it a proving ground that you intend to win. You try to “fix” whatever gets in the way of reaching our goal—intercourse and climax.
- Your ambition to succeed has you push through the motions of sex in order to reach the finish line, and lose touch with the only source of true sexual fulfillment there is—BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY IN THE MOMENT OF PHYSICAL CONTACT.
Men’s greatest challenge is losing touch with the present moment. That might not sound like a big deal—after all, we’re not a Zen monks, right? We have bigger ambitions than “staying in the moment.”
Not if we want great sex, we don’t!
If you want to blow her mind, paying attention needs to become your primary concern.
That’s because nothing is bolder or satisfying for a woman than a man who knows how to be present with himself, with her, and with the moment.
Men, you don’t need to impress us with your perfect technique. You don’t need to say it right. You don’t need rock hard abs or a seven-figure income. You don’t even need to give us what we want all the time.
Men, if you want to satisfy a woman: get present and pay attention.
Pay attention to what’s happening inside of you and with her. Breathe with her. Feel her. Even when it’s tough, or when she’s emotional, or you’re busy.
Get curious. Touch her body and feel your fingers come alive. Touch her not for the results the touch can deliver, but for the onslaught of sheer intensity in your own body that her body provides. Sharpen your senses so you know what do on instinct, rather than relying on that tired old script in your head that doesn’t even work.
Your attentive presence is the thing she wants most—and it is the hardest thing for men to give.
Men in particular have been misinformed that acquiring more “stuff” will bring us fulfillment. We have been told from a young age that amassing wealth, resources, influence, women, and orgasms was the key to happiness. We learned that success is everything, and failure is to be avoided.
If women have their backs turned to the sunset in their own bodies, men are scrambling to find tomorrow’s sunset before today’s has even ended.
Men, every time you see or touch a woman, there’s a mind-shattering blaze slowly unfolding before your eyes. But instead of standing in awe of it and enjoying it for exactly what it is, you’re thinking—” How can I make this thing brighter?” “How can I capture this?” “What time is the next sunset?” or “I’m too busy to watch the whole sunset—I’ll watch for 20 seconds instead of 20 minutes.”
All this rushing around acquiring MORE not only feels bad for women, it’s also ripping men off of your true fulfillment. It leaves you hungry, burnt out, and untouched.
I once had a male client report that he felt “itchy and tense inside” all of the time until he reached climax, either by himself or with his partner. After orgasm, he would feel peaceful and at ease for about 12 hours. Then the tense “itch” would return. As much sex and orgasm as he had, the relief never lasted. He was constantly badgering his partner for more sex.
He didn’t need more sex or more cumming. He needed to switch from the short-term high of conventional sex, to the slow-drip provided by the new framework for sex that we are studying here.
It may not produce as many immediate “fireworks,” but it provides something much more impressive: fulfillment.
Upgrade from Fast Food to Gourmet
As discussed in this week’s first module, if climax was actually all it took for sexual fulfillment, we’d all (especially as men) be pretty much set.
But there’s something more to radical fulfillment than simply achieving climax.
I posit that having climax as a goal and then achieving it is “filling”—but not necessarily fulfilling.
Let’s use the real-life example of food, because it works similarly to orgasm. We can be starving and then eat a drive-thru hamburger and not be starving anymore. Problem solved. Hunger (temporarily) abated. We’ve achieved our goal of not starving.
However, we may not feel “fulfilled” by that particular meal.
A fulfilling meal is more likely to involve a deeper experience. In order for a meal to be fulfilling, it must somehow transcend the basic goal of leaving us “not starving.” It needs a bit of unpredictable conversation, perhaps. Laughter or atmosphere. Perhaps we savor the flavors, warmth, and human connection. Fulfillment, in this context, comes from our ENJOYMENT of eating the meal—rather than just from finishing it.
Sex works the same way.
True sexual fulfillment actually doesn’t come from reaching any specific goal. It comes from being present and enjoying the sexual contact we are having, whether or not it ends in intercourse or climax.
Upgrading sex from fast food to a meal lengthens our enjoyment of sex. Rather than feeling intense pleasure and release only in that few-second moment of climax, we are able to let go and feel intense sensations throughout the entire sexual experience. When we let loose the involuntary Feminine OS, we get carried to places far beyond where our climax-aimed slingshot might shoot us. We feel more saturated with pleasure, more deeply soaked in it, and more connected with each other.
Sounds great, right?
Here’s the one place where removing climax as a sexual goal gets tricky: most of us are sexually starving.
Based on our cultural conditioning and inherited shame around sex, most of us are “underfed” when it comes to high quality sexual contact.
When we are starving, and someone puts a hamburger in front of us… we are going to wolf it down, right? So, what’s a guy to do?!
Replace the Goal of Climax With... Two Alternatives
The force, pleasure, and instinctual drive to reach climax can be difficult to overcome. Here are two important key replacements for climax:
- The timer
- Your attention
Why the timer saved my sex drive
I told you the timer was my favorite sex toy. Here is one of its best functions:
Climax usually signals “the end” of sex. More specifically, for a variety of psychological and physiological factors:
- Male climax usually signals the end of conventional sexual intercourse.
- Female climax usually signals “the end” of oral sex—the final destination, so to speak.
This is so ingrained in our perception of “how sex goes” that when we begin to separate the two and discuss sexual acts that feel great and DON’T end in climax—people often feel confused, afraid, or even angry.
However, having climax be “the end” of sex raises the ALERT and therefore lowers enjoyment and raises inhibition.
- It’s puts pressure on women to reach climax—which makes climax much harder to achieve.
- It puts us in our heads, wondering how long sex will last, rather than enjoying the moment.
- It doesn’t create enough containment for women to let go.
Containment is essential for lower ALERT. Strong walls allow for relaxation to occur. If someone told me, “Hey Bez, I want to do something to your body and I’m not going to tell you when I’m going to stop,” there is not a big chance that I’d be relaxed going along with that.
Or even, “Hey Bez, I want to do something to your body and I will stop after I climax.”
Ummmm… hmmmm… What if I’m done before that point?
But truly, this is the situation we’re in when we make climax “the end” of sex. We end up feeling tense, uncertain, and unsure about just how this is going to go.
If you have never considered that intercourse could NOT end in male climax, I invite you to expand your thinking. I have found more sexual fulfillment in REMOVING climax from my list of “must happen” and adding it to my list of “might happen.”
Removing climax as a goal allows us to explore more freely, and enjoy touching each other for the sake of how it feels right now—not for the effect it will have in a few minutes when we reach the goal.
The greatest way to change our habit of making climax be the “end” of sex is to replace the end with something natural.
The timer works like magic because it creates an endpoint for sexual exploration that isn’t based on reaching a goal and isn’t’ based on things going “well.” The timer doesn’t’ care “how it’s going.” It doesn’t care if you have climaxed or not. It dings when time is up, no matter what! And inside of that, you get to have an experience with each other.
You’ve been experimenting and researching with the timer for the last several weeks for good reason! This week, we’re going to take it up a notch.
What I’ve found is that the timer is an essential tool for researching and experiencing radically fulfilling sex, and the freedom, fun, and dynamic connection that comes with it.
Paying attention changes the game
The second remedy for goals in sex is to pay impeccable attention to what’s happening RIGHT now on a physical level in your own body.
Having a goal puts us in the future, which puts us in our heads, which is not where the pleasure is.
When we simply pay attention to what we are feeling in this moment—in our skin, in our lips, in our genitals, in our muscles—we all end up feeling more.
In this week’s research, we’re going to practice driving our attention into our in-the-moment sensations, and explore the fulfillment that’s available there.
I’ll see you over there in the research, and we’ll get going.