From a young age, when I first started dating, I could feel men’s desire more strongly than my own. Boys were always the ones who wanted to kiss before I did, or make the next move. I was always defending against their desire.
When I was a teenager I remember getting ready for a date and feeling excited. But then as soon as he started touching me, I would completely lose touch with what I wanted. I would start managing the experience to try to make it go well. Because what I learned was that I was supposed to appease him in sex—that sex was for his benefit. The idea that sex was for me and my benefit never occurred to me.
In the past, there was always a silent expectation that my partner was going to want sexual attention from me. Feeling that silent expectation, I would either rebel against him or appease him.
When I refused to have sex, I would worry I was broken because I didn’t want to have sex—”What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I turned on?”
When I had sex to appease him, I would become resentful and feel less close to him. My sex drive plummeted. I didn’t enjoy sex even when we were having it. I would try to enjoy it, but I wasn’t doing what I wanted. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Instead, I would use strategic moves that I knew he liked. I would give him what he wanted so I would be good partner and have done what I was supposed to do. Everything would be “OK” again because we had sex.
Fro so long, when he was going down on me, I would try to control him because my body is sensitive. I would premeditate what I thought was going to happen, and plan it out. He would touch me, and I would flinch and tell him he was doing it wrong. He would sulk or get angry, and we’d end up fighting.
I remember one night, I decided that I had been avoiding sex long enough and I was going to give him a special treat. I lit candles, put out soft pillows and blankets, and gave him an amazing blowjob. He was so turned on. Afterwards, he wanted to pleasure me and immediately lunged his hand between my legs. I jumped back.
“How many times have I told you, don’t touch me there right away!”
He threw his hands in the air. “I can never do it right! I don’t know why I even try,” he yelled, and we ended up having a huge fight about sex right there on top of all the pillows, with the candles still flickering.
Now, it feels so much better! Oral sex and the way he touches me is like magic. It’s wild and unpredictable. Before I was pre-meditating what was going to happen, or what I thought should happen. Managing and strategizing are not fun in sex, and don’t feel good. Now I feel more relaxed and I trust the process. I enjoy myself and go on the ride of my desire. Before I thought I had to trust him, and that he had better do everything right;
Now I trust myself. I trust my desire, and I trust the ride it takes me on.
What feels different now is that I feel excited to be sexual with my partner because I want it. The idea that sex is for ME has changed everything.
The way that Bez presents this and her lived experience of it made the idea land. And Bez is passionate. What changed my sex life was her message of: “Hey, women, sex can be for YOU! This is for fun, and you can have fun with it!”
I want sex more and I like sex more. He comes to me for sex less, which I’m really happy for. Instead, there’s room for my desire to come out and go get him. Which feels SO GOOD to feel my own desire, instead of feeling him try to get sex from me which makes me feel like his mom.
I see him more as a man now and less as a boy. Because I am owning my sex and my pleasure. Because I’ve made my sex FOR ME.