Unfulfilling sex is made up of a series of “skipped” moments. Distance forms and attraction freezes when we DON’T speak up during a sexual experience about those tiny little things that cross our minds: “Would you please slow down a little?” or “I want to tell you something that’s worrying me” or even “Harder harder harder!!!!”
Those tiny unexpressed moments add up and eventually harden into a big, unsatisfying wall between us.
By the same turn, radically fulfilling sex is generated by following those tiny expressions and impulses, and allowing them to string together to form a sexual experience.
I’ve experienced for myself the disastrous effects of NOT saying what’s on my mind during sex and relationship—of ignoring those tiny thoughts and feelings and saying to myself, “It’s not that big of a deal. This will be over soon anyway… He might be upset if I say something. Maybe I’m making it up anyway…”
Have you ever done this?
Having lived the sexual disaster that is withheld expression, I am now a staunch advocate for the intimacy that’s produced by saying EVERYTHING.
I routinely say to men I’m dating, “I am going to tell you everything because if I don’t then I’ll resent you in 2 years. And I don’t want to resent you—I want to keep loving you.”
Now, I don’t skip over anything. If there’s a little flare up in my head when he touches me, or an emotion bubbles, or my body starts to tense up because something “just doesn’t feel right” I don’t skip it. I say it—because I want great sex!
What’s the last tiny thing you skipped over sexually? Do you remember? Are you willing to say it now to your partner? How do you feel when you imagine speaking up about “all the things?” Do you need help doing so? I believe in this practice so much, I am happy to support you.
Advocate for women's sexual fulfillment