One of the primary sex dynamics I saw between my parents growing up was my dad trying to grab my mom’s butt and my mom swatting him away.
I’m sure my parents didn’t intend to have this be what I viewed as “how couples interact.” But that’s what I saw. I observe this same dynamic in many couples I work with: he wants to touch her, and she swats him away.
I’ve been there myself. I understand the impulse to swat. And I recommend you stop doing it because it’s not helping either of you enjoy the relationship you want.
Men want to touch women, straight up. (Or, men want to touch whomever the object of their desire is, whatever gender.) The good news is women like to be touched. The problem is many of us learned that a butt grab often means much more than just a butt grab and now interpret playful grabs, smacks, or even compliments as PRESSURE. Pressure is not hot. We may fear that if we receive the butt grab without protest then we’re consenting to sex. Those silent expectations have us clam up. Suddenly we can’t feel our own desire or interest because we’re on the defensive. Even if we wanted sex earlier, even if we thought about it all day, the moment our partner gives us “that look” and smacks our butt, we freeze. Instead of feeling turned on, we’re thinking, “Oh great, what’s he expecting now?”
What we don’t realize as women is that when we swat men away, we actually make the problem WORSE. He becomes more hungry for touch, and thus more “grabby” and unattractive.
The solution is not to swat him away. It’s to actually receive the touch he’s giving—and then do nothing more.
We often think as women that if we receive the butt grab, he’ll want more. Certainly, he often wants sexual contact with you because you’re the hottest thing on the planet to him and you’re just wandering around his house half naked most of the time. Give the guy a break!
Ironically, however, what’s true is that men often feel satisfied simply by having their attention received. Swatting him away leaves him hungrier and more mangey. By receiving him and feeling even 5 seconds of his touch, he feels connected to you—and that’s really what he wants most.
Here’s an example: my guy loves to grab my butt. Most of the time, I like it. Sometimes, however, (like this morning) he was grabbing me and I was busy. “I’m a woman on a mission, I’ve got shit to do in the morning! Don’t slow me down.”
This didn’t deter him, and he progressed from grabbing me to actually draping himself over my shoulders and giving me a bear hug from behind.
I curbed my impulse to swat (because it’s ineffective), and instead, I received his hug. Then he smiled a big grin at me and walked away. It only takes one breath of receiving to create the connection that our partner is longing for.
The way I receive is very simple: just feel whatever happens in my body when he touches me for one breath. Feel it, let the feeling run thru me however it wants to, and then be done.
I was coaching a client couple of mine on this the other day. They struggled with this exact dynamic, and I was teaching them how to touch and receive each other in the most simple, everyday ways.
I believe that one moment of pure connection—when he grabs my butt and I actually feel his hand and allow the feeling to run completely through my body—is better than any amount of McDonald’s sex. I prefer one connected butt grab to an hour of mediocre intercourse. Because what I really get hot for is connection. (And getting my brains fucked out… but that’s another blog post.)
The same happens “in reverse” for women. We want to be touched and listened to and paid attention to; we want to connect and feel loved and important.
When a guy ignores a woman, she tends to progress from tolerant to agitated to angry to needy to hysterical.
Often times men look at a distressed woman and think, “Woah… that’s a can of worms and I’m not opening it.”
This only makes the problem worse. She will escalate her hysteria until you’re forced to pay attention to her, and it will most likely be far less pleasant than if you just gave her some from the beginning—even if you’re busy, tired, or distracted. Take 5 seconds to put your attention on her. Ask her a question about how she’s doing or what she wants. Touch her face. Tell her what you appreciate about her. Grab her and kiss her passionately.
It’s only through connection that we get fed. And too often, we leave each other hungry instead of taking the 5 seconds to eat.
Advocate for women's sexual fulfillment