One of the primary sex dynamics I saw between my parents growing up was my dad trying to grab my mom’s butt and my mom swatting him away.
I’m sure my parents didn’t intend to have this be what I viewed as “how couples are together.” But that’s what I saw. And I observe this same dynamic in many couples I work with: he wants to touch her, and she swats him away.
I recommend you stop doing this because it’s not helping either of you have what you want.
Men want to touch women, straight up. (Or, men want to touch whomever the object of their desire is, whatever gender.) Women swat men away not because we don’t like being touched, but because we’re afraid of being overpowered when we don’t want to be, or afraid that if we receive the butt grab then we’re consenting to more.
This is the same reason women have a hard time taking a well-intentioned compliment, even from their partner. “Wow, baby, you look so hot tonight!” often falls on deaf ears because she’s thinking, “Oh great, what do I owe him now? He’s got some type of expectation…”
What we don’t realize as women is that when we swat men away, we actually make the problem WORSE. He becomes more hungry for touch, and thus more “grabby” and unattractive.
The solution is not to swat him away. It’s to actually receive the touch he’s giving—and then do nothing more.
We often think as women that if we receive the butt grab, he’ll want more. Certainly, he often wants sexual contact with you because you’re the hottest thing on the planet to him and you’re just wandering around his house half naked most of the time. Give the guy a break!
Ironically, however, what’s true is that men often feel satisfied simply by being “taken in.” Swatting him away you leaves him hungrier and more mangey. By receiving him and feeling even 5 seconds of his touch, he feels connected to you—and that’s really what he wants most.
Here’s an example: my guy loves to grab my butt. Most of the time, I like it. Sometimes, however, (like this morning) he was grabbing me and I was busy. “I’m a woman on a mission, I’ve got shit to do in the morning! Don’t slow me down.”
This didn’t not deter him, and he progressed from grabbing me to actually draping himself over my shoulders and giving me a bear hug from behind.
I curbed my impulse to swat (because it’s ineffective), and instead I received his hug. Then he smiled a big grin at me and walked away. It only takes one breath of receiving to create the connection that our partner is longing for.
The way I receive is very simple: just feel whatever happens in my body when he touches me for one breath. Feel it, let the feeling run thru me however it wants to, and then be done.
I was coaching a client couple of mine on this the other day. They struggled with this exact dynamic, and I was teaching them how to touch and receive each other in the most simple, every day ways.
I believe that one moment of pure connection—when he grabs my butt and I actually feel his hand and allow the feeling to run completely through my body—is better than any amount of McDonald’s sex. I prefer one connected butt grab to an hour of mediocre intercourse. Because what I really get hot for is connection. (And getting my brains fucked out… but that’s another blog post.)
The same happens “in reverse” for women. We want to be touched and listened to and paid attention to; we want to connect and feel loved and important.
When a guy ignores a woman, she tends to progress from tolerant to agitated to angry to needy to hysterical.
Often times men look at a distressed woman and think, “Woah… that’s a can of worms and I’m not opening it.”
This only makes the problem worse. She will escalate her hysteria until you’re forced to pay attention to her, and it will most likely be far less pleasant than if you just gave her some from the beginning—even if you’re busy, tired, or distracted. Take 5 seconds to put your attention on her. Ask her a question about how she’s doing or what she wants. Touch her face. Tell her what you appreciate about her. Grab her and kiss her passionately.
It’s only through connection that we get fed. And too often, we leave each other hungry instead of take the 5 seconds to eat.
Advocate for women's sexual fulfillment