Week 1 Upgraded Sex Ed
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This Week's Must-Know Concepts
Women experience sexual fulfillment differently than we ever imagined, and this misunderstanding is causing major problems in our sex lives. Women feel pressured and men don’t understand why. Women feel crazy, and men feel rejected. We worry there’s something wrong with our bodies, or that we’re doing sex horribly wrong.
This week’s good news: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with your libido, or your partner. It’s the way we were taught to have sex that needs an upgrade to include women’s unique experience of fulfillment. Typical sex isn’t cutting it—for anyone.
If we want to have sex that women love, it’s essential that as both men AND women we drop our expectations about what should or shouldn’t happen in sex. We discover satisfying sex outside the box. Creating an open space for exploration is what turns on women’s innate desire, passion, and enjoyment.
Why? I explain everything below.
The Essential Quality of Women’s Sexual Fulfillment that You Need to Understand
Women’s sexual arousal, expression, and fulfillment works differently that we were taught. We learned in 7th grade, see in porn, and watch in movies that sexual fulfillment occurs through a series of increasingly sexy moves that lead to orgasm. We learned that foreplay warms us up for the final act of intercourse, and that achieving intercourse and the climax that often comes with it is what’s needed for sexual fulfillment.
When we follow this model, sex looks like this:
I call this the Masculine Operating System because it most closely resembles the Masculine way of getting things done. Set a goal, get to work, and make it happen. Everyone has a Masculine OS and uses it every day. It’s the system we use to create business plans, stick to our exercise goals, and drive to the store. Our ability to set goals and accomplish them is vital to our health and wellbeing.
The problem is, women’s bodies don’t work this way. In addition, most sexual experiences also don’t follow a perfectly straight line. Life itself doesn’t, either. Sex, life, and women present near endless twists and turns. These twists and turns aren’t a problem. They’re normal. The unexpected is what provides innovation to the world. In business, we live in an era in which sticking with the status quo is near death. Pivoting at the first hint of a changing tide and disrupting known systems is essential for the creativity and health of a business. Without it, there’s no magic.
You are no different.
We navigate these healthy, exciting twists and turns using a different system: our Feminine Operating System. Everyone has one and uses it every day. It’s the mechanism that allows us to let go of control and experience life outside the box.
Here’s what women’s natural sexual response look like.
For women, and ultimately everyone, fulfillment and connection in sex have nothing to do with reaching a goal and instead everything to do with letting go.
Whether we realize it or not, it’s the experience we universally crave. We gawk at embarrassing videos that go viral. We agonize as our favorite team loses suddenly in the 9th inning. We consume enormous quantities of alcohol simply to feel one moment of loosening up. Then we do it again the next day, hoping for another glimpse of freedom from the confines of our everyday lives.
This is why we seek climax. Because it feels good, yes. And even more importantly, we seek it because for those 2-10 seconds, our minds shut off and our bodies take over. We’re pummeled with sensation and release. Sounds emerge that we’d never normally make. We stop thinking about our jobs, and our kids, and our problems and we completely let go.
This moment of letting go can last longer than the 5 seconds of climax. It can last an entire sexual encounter. If we want to create sex that enthralls us for a lifetime, we do so by dropping our old methods of Point A to Point B sex and allowing ourselves to let go, connect, and explore.
Why this Concept is so Essential for Your Happiness
I have some news that will either shock you or come as a welcome surprise.
Women love sex as much as men do, if not more.
I know—that wasn’t what I saw growing up. My early education in romantic man-woman dynamics was watching my mom swat my dad away when he tried to grab her butt. Popular culture shows us repeatedly: “Men are rapaciously horny. Women only care about emotional bonding.” If a woman character does want sex, she’s either a lesbian or comedic relief. Because women don’t like sex as much as men do. It’s just biology.
These stereotypes are bullshit, and more and more studies are backing this.
“But,” you might be thinking. “I’m a man and I do want more sex than my partner does.” Or, “I’m a woman, and I have lost interest. Sex feels like work. At night, I’d rather do a crossword puzzle than have sex.”
Understandably so, woman. I used to feel that way, too. If I were having the kind of sex I used to have, I’d feel that way again.
I used to have typical sex. And typical sex isn’t enjoyable for women.
It’s not that women don’t like sex; it’s that the way we’ve learned to have sex doesn’t work for women.
What You can Change Right Now to Enjoy Sex More
I adopted my prevailing framework for sex in 7th grade. That’s when I started uncovering my eyes during the sex and romance scenes in movies and when I started masturbating. And that’s when I endured that awkward 6th period “Health” class in which we were admonished against teen pregnancy and boys stuck menstrual pads all over themselves.
I also saw in that class the visual depiction of pleasure that would haunt my sex life and inspire my career as a sex educator: the orgasm graph.
I learned sex like this:
- First there is arousal, which starts momentum upward.
- Next comes excitement and feelings of more turn on.
- Excitement builds steadily, and grows stronger and stronger, faster, harder. Excitement grows, pleasure swells until—
- KABOOM! We reach our goal of climax and release in an explosion of pleasure.
- Then, sex is complete. We rest and recover from the climb, in theory happy, relaxed, and well-spent from our effort.
This isn’t just how I learned to have sex. It’s also every movie, novel, business plan, and workout regimen. Set your goal, fulfill it, and you’re happy. End of story.
Based on my 7th grade understanding of orgasm, sexual pleasure was a Point A to Point B experience and ultimate sexual fulfillment was found if I could get Point B. The only problem was… my body didn’t work that way. Neither did my orgasm. It was elusive and unpredictable. Sometimes I was hot and turned on during sex, and other times I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.
Even after reaching “home plate,” I wasn’t breathlessly fulfilled. Especially as the years went by. My efforts (and my partner’s) to get me in the mood and bring me pleasure backfired. He would rub my body harder and harder, and I would get more and more turned off. Eventually, I would just tell him to stop because I could tell that it wasn’t going to happen—it being my enjoyment of sex.
My conclusion, as so many women have privately arrived at, was: “There must be something wrong with me.”
As I looked for answers, my next conclusion was: “There’s something wrong with him.”
He wasn’t touching me correctly. He needed to learn a better technique. Perhaps I simply wasn’t attracted to him, and I needed a new partner.
I wasted so much time and energy on these thoughts, and on the pain and confusion that came along with them.
Now I know with 100% certainty that there’s nothing wrong with you or your partner. Neither of you are the problem.
The problem is the typical framework for sex doesn’t include women’s sexual fulfillment. And I’m not just talking about orgasms…
What needs to change in order for couples to enjoy radically fulfilling sex isn’t their technique. It’s their basic understanding of how women’s sexual expression, fulfillment, and desire works. Once I understood that, my confidence, enjoyment, and sexual connections improved permanently.
Your Masculine Operating System
When we want to improve something about our lives—get in shape, for example—we often accomplish it by setting a goal, making a plan, and then implementing the plan. We find a gym, create a workout routine, and repeatedly clock in. If we keep it up over time, we will reach our goal of getting in shape, right?
This is our Masculine OS at work, and it’s a highly effective way to reach our goals. It’s used to reach a specific outcome — get in shape, ask for a raise, or grab a pint of ice cream from the freezer.
- The Masculine OS is voluntary: we make it happen directly.
Example: I could decide right now to stand up and jog across the room. I might not like it, or be wearing the right shoes. But I could, barring physical injury, make my legs move instantly at my command. Your body works in the same way. Agreed? Wonderful.
Your Feminine Operating System
The Feminine Operating System works differently. It governs our primal, involuntary experiences like sleep, emotional responses, sweating, and—you guessed it—women’s sexuality.
Here, the strategies of the Masculine OS don’t work. If I told you to start sweating right now, could you do it? Could you make yourself instantly fall asleep on command, the same way you could get up and jog across the room? No, me neither.
Because that’s not how sleep works. We can’t directly control it.
- The Feminine OS is involuntary: you allow it to happen indirectly.
Our involuntary responses operate outside of our control. And thank God! Without our involuntary nervous system, we’d be exhausted, overheated, and not breathing.
In terms of sex, the Masculine OS takes a direct approach to sexual fulfillment—that trip around the bases in hopes of a home run. Sex in the Masculine OS is:
- Linear, and moves from point A to point B
- Based on repeating what’s worked in the past
- Aimed at a goal—usually intercourse and/or climax
The Masculine OS measures success by reaching the goal in the most efficient way.
The Feminine OS uses a wildly different approach—one that ambiguous and is set into motion by letting go of control. Feminine OS sex is:
- Patternless, unpredictable, and constantly changing
- Based on what feels good in this moment, regardless of past or future
- Has no definable start and end point, and no consistent goals
The Feminine OS measures success not by reaching a predetermined goal, but instead by how an experience “feels” in the moment. If we feel connected, intimate, moved, or inspired, the Feminine OS registers success.
Think about that: the Feminine experience of sexual fulfillment isn’t generated by reaching a goal. It’s generated by forgetting about the goal, releasing control, and allowing ourselves to be moved by our desire.
This is why most sex advice fails women—it doesn’t speak to the framework of how women’s fulfillment actually works. Tips like “have more orgasms” might produce a few minutes of pleasure, but not a lifetime of sexual joy, connection, or gratification.
This is also why women complain their partners don’t “get them” sexually: because most of us are trying to make this smooth progression of the graph of the left happen, when in fact our bodies work like the graph on the right.
What this Means for Your Sex Life
This means that:
- As women and men, we’re using sexual strategies that backfire in unleashing women’s desire, enjoyment, and sexual fulfillment.
- We can’t make women’s libidos, desires, or fulfillment happen.
You may be furrowing your brow and wondering, “We can’t DO anything about sex? Isn’t that why we signed up for this training?”
Many couples approach me feeling frustrated and confused for this very reason. All of the methods and strategies they’ve used to revive her libido, bring her to orgasm, or find ultimate fulfillment have fallen short—and they have no idea why.
I’ll tell you why: because the strategy of “following the logical steps and working hard to solve your problem” is a Masculine OS strategy. It might produce an orgasm, but it will never produce ultimate sexual fulfillment for women.
We cannot make a woman’s libido, desire, or fulfillment happen.
The most essential two words for women’s sexual fulfillment are:
When we let go of controlling or forcing our sexual experiences, our involuntary Feminine Operating Systems take over. That’s what feels the best for women—and ultimately, for everyone. Because men, let’s get real: what is hotter or more compelling than a woman who is completely out of her mind with pleasure?
Therefore, women’s sexual fulfillment is instrumental to EVERYONE’S fulfillment.
Women, the best thing you can do to satisfy your partner is allow yourself to feel more pleasure—in the way that feels best for YOUR body.
Want Sex Women Love? Fall Asleep
Like we spoke about above, women’s uninhibited arousal, desire, and orgasm can not be generated by direct methods. The Masculine OS strategies of…
- Repeat what worked last time
- Steadily gain momentum
- Go harder and faster
- Aim for the goal
…completely backfire with women. These attempts more often than not put pressure on women, shutting their desire down and turn them OFF.
It’s time to retire our “round the bases” approach to sex and upgrade our sex education to one that includes women and the Feminine Operating System.
When working with the Feminine OS, we can’t directly cause sexual arousal to happen. We can’t force it. We can only allow it to happen. There are three essential ways to do this:
- Drop our expectations about how sex is “supposed” to go, thereby eliminating pressure and liberating the libido.
- Create the conditions that make women’s libidos, desire, and orgasm more likely to emerge.
- Allow a unique and unpredictable sexual experience to overtake you, as if you are giving it a life of its own.
You may be reading these and thinking, “Create the conditions—what the heck does that mean?! ‘More likely to emerge?’ Dear God, we’re never going to have sex again.”
Before you despair, I want to provide a real life example of “doing without making happen” that you succeed at every single night of your life: falling asleep.
Remember a few pages ago, we agreed that you couldn’t make yourself fall asleep on command? That it was instead something that happened outside of your control?
That’s right: the only way you have ever fallen asleep is by creating the conditions that make sleep likely to occur—and then allowing it to overtake you.
There are a few basic conditions proven to signal the body it’s time for sleep. They are so basic, we take them for granted:
- Being in an enclosed environment (like a room)
- Dimming the lights
- Decreasing sudden or loud noises
- Becoming horizontal,
- Closing our eyes
These might seem, “duh, Bez,” obvious and, in addition—not very sexy. Stick with me on this. Knowing that you’re capable of falling asleep has everything to do with liberating your libido and sexual fulfillment. Because women’s libidos work in the same way: when we create the proper conditions, relax, and let go, the Feminine OS takes over.
Let’s take it one step further.
If your learned your colleague stood upright all night, with the lights blaring, while blasting music—and then complained about insomnia—you might suggest she get some mental help. Because no one in their right mind could fall asleep under such conditions!
This is exactly how it sounds to me when women come to my office wondering why they aren’t why they aren’t turned on or enjoying sex.
Women: Our libidos are alive and well inside of our bodies. And they know exactly how to connect, fill us with desire, and carry us to deep, inspiring, and gratifying sexual landscapes.
We simply need to provide the proper conditions—otherwise, our desire (which is an involuntary response) literally can’t come out.
How to Find Total Fulfillment
When we provide the proper conditions, our natural interest in sex reawakens and our fulfillment skyrockets. We connect with our partners in a wide variety of ways, and have more fun, ease, and exploration in our bedrooms.
This training will teach you how to do that.
The Sex Women Love Changes Constantly
The upgraded framework for sex that works for women’s bodies is different than conventional, round-the-bases sex.
Conventional sex usually follows a predictable order: first you kiss, then you touch each other, then maybe you have oral sex, before you finish with intercourse and climax.
Like we learned in the last module, women’s uninhibited desire doesn’t follow a predictable, repetitive pattern. Therefore, most women aren’t optimally turned on by conventional sex.
Sex that includes the Feminine Operating System doesn’t follow a formula or pattern. Instead it’s:
- Unpredictable and creative
- Starts and ends in a variety of ways
- Unique every time
- Focused on connecting and exploring, rather than reaching the finish line
- Constantly changing in pace, pressure, and intensity
The constant change of women’s innate desire and expression makes sex alluring and interesting. It provides the variety we all crave because it literally never goes the same way twice!
And… this constant change also sometimes makes sex vulnerable, awkward, or confusing.
Entering any involuntary state (be it sleep or sex) is vulnerable because we don’t get to keep our conscious, rational mind active. We must let go of control—and letting go of control is no joke.
The Key to Unleashing Radical Fulfillment: Drop Your Expectations About Sex
Dropping our expectations may seem like a backwards way to get what we want… and when it comes to the Masculine Operating System, it would be backwards. The Masculine OS musters all its power towards the goal. But the Feminine, if you recall, doesn’t work that way.
The Feminine Operating System is involuntary, and therefore can only emerge when we remove all the pressure of “trying hard,” and instead simply allow it to happen. Remember, it’s just like falling asleep. If someone held a gun to your head and said, “Fall asleep now, or I’ll shoot!!” chances are the added pressure wouldn’t help you fall asleep. In fact, it would do the exact opposite!
It’s the same with sex. “Get an erection NOW, or I’ll shoot!” isn’t going to turn any man on or help him get hard. It’s the same for women—only we often experience gun-level pressure from something as seemingly harmless as a look, a comment, a thought, or an expectation.
Have you ever had that happen? Where your partner gives you one look or touches you in a certain way, and you freeze? Any sexy thoughts in your head evaporate and suddenly, you’re fighting?
Or have you ever, as a woman, been about to have an orgasm—and then suddenly it completely goes away? It’s as if all that hard work went down the drain. There are two explanations for why that happens:
- For many women, “trying” to have an orgasm backfires because it adds pressure, which causes pleasure and arousal to drop. This is why it can take “forever” to reach climax—because we’re not using our native Operating System to our advantage.
- Since Feminine fulfillment doesn’t follow a straight line and isn’t aimed at a goal, orgasm won’t always arrive “on schedule.”
Remember, the path of feminine fulfillment looks like this:
There may be a climax in there—or there may be five of them. Or there may be zero. The benefit of activating our Feminine Operating System in sex is not that we have predictable orgasms—but that we stop working so hard in sex, and instead bask in the magic of truly letting go.
We’ll explore all this in much more detail in coming weeks. For now, what’s important to understand is that it’s essential to drop our expectation that sex goes in a straight line if we want to enjoy the fullest, richest sexual experiences possible.
When we remove our expectations about how sex “should” be, we liberate our innate sexual desires.
It’s not only the technical expectations about sex we need to drop—such as how long sex lasts, how often we have it, or what position we will have it in. It’s also our most basic assumptions about what sex is and how we have.
- Successful sex should always end in orgasm
- Oral sex comes before fucking
- You have sex because you love each other
- I should shower and shave before sex
You might read this short list and think, “Some of these are true, right? Or at least common courtesy!”
I hope that by the end of this training you will believe for yourself that ANY expectation whatsoever decreases fulfillment. And that the fulfillment we crave is found by dropping what we think “should” happen and instead allowing something unexpected to unfold.
Where the Sexual Magic Happens: Outside Your Comfort Zone
This meme (one of my favorites) pretty much explains it all.
If we want to get to sexual magic, we need to leave the place we know and head into the unknown together.
Leaving the comfort zone has consequences, however. We might at first feel more anxious, less certain, more confused, less confident.
But staying in the comfort zone also has consequences: boredom, monotony, mediocrity, and the status quo, to name a few.
The comfort zone of sex-as-we-know-it doesn’t awaken her deepest desire, light up her body, or captivate her interest. If it did, you probably wouldn’t be here, right? Instead, the predictability of conventional sex lowers women’s libidos. It doesn’t hold our interest for life.
Think about it… cookie cutter, conventional sex is like having the same conversation night after night and expecting ourselves to stay interested in it. Even if the conversation was our favorite one, I can guarantee that if we repeated it word for word each night, over the years we’d feel something important was missing.
Something very important, that we can’t quite put our finger on…
This is precisely how many of you might feel about your sex life now. That “there is something MORE to it” than what you’re doing. Even if you aren’t sure what that “something more” is. I know I used to feel that way.
That feeling of “something more” is provided by including the Feminine Operating System in your sex life. Because it’s provides the kind of true variety that we all crave.
It’s unpredictable, always changing, and never the same twice! And THAT is precisely what makes this type of sex so enjoyable, intimate, and rewarding.
Sexual fulfillment isn’t found through following the same pattern every night. Those patterns limit us. If we want to spark desire and generate fulfillment, we must allow ourselves and our partners—in sex and otherwise—to change freely and often.
If you are a woman you might be thinking, “Doesn’t all this change make me fickle or high maintenance?” No! It makes you a woman, and it makes you the supplier of variety and adventure that your partner is desperately seeking.
We’ve all heard the phrase, “Men love variety.” Heard it so much that we women often fear we aren’t interesting enough for our partners.
Nothing could be further from the truth. A turned on woman is the most fascinating thing for a man because he can’t predict what she’ll do next. She takes him out of his comfort zone.
Don’t Dress Up Your Ball Team—Play a Better Game
Our judgements about change are simply cultural fears about the Feminine Operating System and the unknown.
We have these fears because we can’t control the Feminine—even the Feminine OS within ourselves.
What’s true is that constant change, unpredictability, and hair-raising adventure are NOT problems. In fact, they’re the very reason why people like women… and nature, horror movies, mystery novels, alcohol, and sports to name just a few.
Unpredictability is a commodity. Women, you are where it’s at! You elevate ordinary sex into art and make it worth having.
Sex with a woman is like playing your favorite sport. It goes like this:
- “Your team is up—then they’re down—now there’s a foul! The coach is yelling, “Terrible call!!” The other team is ahead again—oh no, now it’s even. You think you’re going to win… and then OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, it’s tied again— The crowd goes wild.”
Is that inconvenient? No! Is all that goal scoring and change of possession and heart-racing action a nuisance, distracting you from the game? No!
THAT IS THE GAME.
It’s why we like sports at all, why they’re worth watching.
Can you imagine if sports weren’t unpredictable? Even if it meant our team won every time, if the game progressed in the same fashion every single night, month after month, year after year… who would watch them? It would lose its intrigue. It would be boring.
Yet many of us are trying to have sex in this fashion—trying to make it predictably “go well” every night. When the truth is, if you’re playing a real game, you can’t predict that.
When sex has lost its luster, many couples try to “spice it up” by adding things like lingerie or having sex in a new location (“Let’s do it in the kitchen!”). While there’s nothing inherently wrong with negligees or sex on the kitchen counter, adding them alone to an otherwise repetitive, monotonous sexual routine is not going to add in the sizzle you’re looking for.
That would be like putting new uniforms on the ball team you’ve got playing on repeat every night, and expecting yourself to be wowed by fresh outfits. Or watching them play the same carbon-copy game in Jersey instead of Philly. Sure, there may be a temporary moment of interest—”Ooh, look, they’re in red not black tonight.”
But those aren’t excitement levels worth writing home about. In my opinion, those aren’t results worth having. I want to offer you something much more enthralling, fulfilling, and rewarding than a uniform change.
I want to offer you an entirely new game.