You can’t regain solid ground in your relationship after a fight.

It will never happen.

Not because fights ruin relationships, but because the past can never be regained. The past is over.

What we can do is create and discover new ground. Today’s relationships ground may resemble the past, or it may be worse or better. Who knows. What I do know is that struggling to “keep that good feeling going” is a fast way to misery and tension.

I see couples over and over again fall into the trap of trying to maintain that positive feeling they had yesterday, last month, or last year.

This always backfires.

I see couples do this during a sexual encounter as well. One minute ago, things were “going great.” Now, they seem to be faltering.

“I thought we were gaining ground and that things were getting better, but then—THIS happened. And we lost all the ground we’d gained.”

My answer to that is: thank god you lost it, because losing what you gained one minute ago means your’e now present to what’s here currently—rather than living in the past or future.

As we struggle to maintain yester-moment’s good feeling, we grow further and further away from any chance we have at fulfillment—which can only be found RIGHT NOW, in the present, exactly as it is.

Yesterday, my partner and I were fighting. Things felt crunchy between us. He was complaining and being a pain in the ass, and I was being an icy critical bitch. Getting into bed was not the happy party it often is. Lots of crossed arms, raised eyebrows, and failed attempts at “feeling connected like we usually do.”

We finally gave up. We surrendered to the crunch accepted it as our current relationship. Jimmy said, “Potato chips are bullshit without the crunch.” We yelled and celebrated how shitty things felt. We decided to have awkward, crunchy sex. And it was some of the funniest, most emotional, heartfelt sex we’ve ever had.

Not because things were so rosy between us or because we regained our connection. But because we burned the past and walked away from it into the now. And right there, we found each other again.

Are you trying to keep a good feeling going in your relationship? If so, are you willing to give up trying and discover what is true right now instead?

Bez Stone

Bez Stone

Advocate for women's sexual fulfillment