How often do you wander aimlessly around your town—and not feel guilty or unproductive afterwards? When was the last time you fully, deeply relaxed? Have you ever abandoned your agenda and followed an emerging interest instead?
Have you done any of this… in bed?
If your answer is no, I want to introduce you to the concept of Goalless Engagement in sex.
Goalless Engagement goes against our beliefs that in order for a sexual encounter to be “successful,” we have to reach certain goals—most notably, climax. As great as reaching climax feels for women and couples, my years of research and study in women’s sexuality reveal that sex is the most fulfilling when done for the enjoyment of the act itself—not for the sense of success from coming… er, crossing the “finish line.”
So what if there was no goal for sex? What if the point of sex wasn’t to get to the finish line, but instead experience deep connection and pleasure with yourself and your partner? What if the only goal of sex was simply… to feel?
Radically simple as that may sound, my research with clients shows that when women and couples remove the concept of “having goals” from their sex lives, they experience a significant jump in fulfillment, arousal, and connection—a jump that feels energizing and incredible, especially for women.
Women, in particular, benefit from abandoning goals when it comes to sex because the linear, achievement-orientation of a sexual goal (even when the goal is something “fun” like “drive her wild” or bring her to climax) goes against her physiological experience of desire and satisfaction. Goals activate a woman’s mental functioning and keep her stuck in her head, rather than invite her into her body—where all the pleasure is.
Through understanding Feminine Sexual Mechanics and utilizing the way women’s bodies really work, women move from feeling ambivalent towards or even resisting sex (because it feels like “another chore” at the end of the day) to unleashing their innate drive to let loose and be deeply touched. Experiencing this uninhibited joy in sex has nothing to do with reaching the finish line and everything to do with engaging all your senses as you get there.
Goalless Engagement involves being totally present with what is happening as you touch and are touched by your partner—with no agenda or expectation of what’s supposed to happen next. This type of connection brings everyone a more dynamic, fun, and radically fulfilling experience.
I suggest you saving your goals for market reports or the gym. They can do wonders for your waistline and your bank account! When it comes to the bedroom, however… ditch ’em.
Unleashing the mechanics of women's desire, arousal, and satsifaction