Often women come into my office confused about what to do when they aren’t in the mood for sex but their partner is. What I say usually shocks them, and it may shock you as well upon a first reading:
“You don’t need to be ‘in the mood’ to have great sex.”
They usually stare at me blankly.
Because they were certain that they were going to come in here, tell me about their difficulties “getting in the mood,” and that I would give them a new trick to try during foreplay, a formula to follow to spice things up and get them turned on again.
I certainly DO support women in feeling more vibrant, lit up, and turned on—and I don’t do it by teaching them about upgraded foreplay.
To take my radical approach a bit further, I actually don’t believe in “foreplay” at all. Foreplay assumes that sex is supposed to go in some sort of order—there’s the “fore” play and then the real play. This concept also assumes that a sexual encounter always culminates in intercourse—that there is a goal that you need to get “warmed up” for.
Trying to warm someone up for sex tends to have the reverse than desired effect, and instead puts pressure on the person to “get turned on.” Getting turned on under pressure is about as easy as falling asleep with someone staring at you intently waiting for you to pass out.
The type of sex I teach—the kind that works for women’s bodies—ditches any order or goal. In this new type of sex, there is no where to get to, no rush to do anything, and no way that you’re supposed to feel during sex. All you do is simply be present with your partner and yourself while you connect in whatever way feels the best in that particular moment.
Can you imagine how good it would feel to have all the pressure be taken off during a sexual encounter? So that there was no rush or agenda, no order or time limit, and all you needed to do was explore and feel each other until you felt complete with the experience and decided to do something else? That’s the kind of sex that I teach and want the world to have access to.
The other day I was talking with a friend about this subject over dinner, after she brought up her lack of libido and interest in sex. I said, “You can have great sex with your partner even when your pu**y is dry and you want to kick him the face.”
And she said, “Oh Bez—that NEEDS to be a chapter of your book!”