We know want sex—delicious, deeply satisfying sexWe just don't know how to get it from the men we've got
I’m so glad that the truth about women’s sex drives is coming to light in our mainstream culture—the truth that women who live turned on have sexual appetites that make Vikings look demure. That once women choose to take the dimmer switch off of our sexuality, it’s like open season when it comes to men.
This has been my experience of living a turned-on life and also teaching other women how to access their desire. We joke around my household that once women get turned on, the stereotypical roles reverse completely. The men want to talk about how they’re feeling and the women are like, “Just fuck me!”
But let’s backtrack a bit, since most of us aren’t living in an optimally turned on state but are making the best of our relationships within very full lives.
Our grandmother’s adage in sex might have been: Give him some and then he’ll leave you alone for few days (and enjoy yourself while you’re at it, bubblah).
Our’s is not that. We know want sex—delicious, deeply satisfying sex. We just don’t know how to get it from the men we’ve got.
We’re in great relationships, it’s just that the sex is—eh. Or perhaps it’s better then “eh,” but it’s not how you remember it… Where you can’t think at all and his hands are electric on your skin, and the way he looks at you makes you feel like an exquisite natural resource. Your current sex isn’t frequent, electric communion, so you settle for what you can get with your man. It might not be the mind-blowing thrill that you crave—but it’s better than nothing—right?
Not so, my love. Here is why it’s actually worse for you, your partner, and your relationship to settle for sex you don’t wholeheartedly enjoy.
You Are the More Accurate Barometer
The feminine is the barometer of any relationship. What I mean is, if you ask a woman how her relationship is going she will almost always know and be able to give you an accurate report.
I can’t tell you how many men I have worked with who were blind-sided by their woman leaving them—the women have known the ship was off course for years.
If you silence yourself, you are leaving your man to fumble through the dark with no guide. You may keep quiet to keep the peace—but what really happens is he loses his navigational equipment. He will either bravely guess which direction to head because he loves you, or he will withdraw because the pressure of navigating unskilled is too great for him.
Either way, you both need you to speak the truth so that your vessel can make it to paradise.
Settling Breeds Resentment
Resentment is a relationship killer. It’s that silent, corked-up feeling that sharpens our words and drives a wedge between us and our partner. The ironic part is built-up resentment often started off with good intentions.
How many times have you not spoken up in bed—for a very good reason? “I can’t ask for that!” “He’s trying so hard to make me feel good…” “He’ll feel hurt if I tell him his breath stinks.”
Truths we don’t share with our partner harden into resentment. It’s usually the little things that do it. The first five (or five hundred) unspoken tiny truths might be tolerable for you and your relationship might bear it. Don’t wait for the straw that broke the camel’s back. It’s worse in the end than telling the tiny truth in the beginning.
He Wants to Please You—So When You Settle, Nobody Wins
The ironic part about settling is it doesn’t even give your man what he really wants. What he wants more than anything is to please you. (Don’t believe me? Read my interviews with men here.) He wants to see you undone, wide open, and in a state of total surrender. He wants to watch your face curl up as you experience every emotion and go out of control into more raw experience than you can imagine. That is victory for him.
Sounds good, right?
Exactly. Men get their fullest enjoyment from being with a woman in her fullest enjoyment. When women settle in sex, neither of you gets what you want.
Trust Science—Settling is Bad For Your Health
The findings of the long-ranged Framingham Study truly rocked me. Most notably, in this context: Women who kept silent in their marriages about what was troubling them were four times more likely to die during the study.
That’s right. Not just develop heart disease or get divorced—but die. Keeping quiet and tolerating anything that you don’t like in your marriage is not only harmful for your relationship—it could KILL YOU.
But HOW do you stop settling and start having the mind-blowing sex your body craves?
- Get vulnerable. My teacher Nicole Daedone of OneTaste, Inc, always says, “The one who gets vulnerable first wins.” Go first and open up to him about what’s real for you.
- Educate, rather than criticize. It’s sad to say because I love to boss men around—but no one truly becomes a better person through criticism. Educate him about what works, rather than kill him emotionally for what doesn’t.
- Never settle just to make him happy. It will backfire. Ask for all of what you want all the time—and then stick around to negotiate.