I'm going to break the bad news to you right now:Unless you consistently feel great about yourself at every weight, you won't feel great about yourself even once you reach your goal
In the last year, at various times I have had $5,000 in my bank account. At others, $500—and in a few months I have gotten down to $50. That was all I had.
And I’ll tell you, they all felt exactly the same.
Right now I am 3 pounds above my ideal weight. Yes, 3 pounds. “Not much,” you might be thinking, if anything at all. You might even be thinking, “Bez—3 pounds? I gain and lose that just by breathing more heavily at night.”
Of course, the rational part of my mind agrees with you.
The rest of me does not.
I have been 30 pounds overweight in my life—and now I am 3. As with money, they feel Exactly. The. Same.
I feel no differently about my self-image despite the fact that I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been in my adult life.
“Better watch it…” The thought still goes through my head. “Can’t get carried away or else you’ll gain it all back.”
The same is true with money, as the stories of wealthy people can attest. You’ve heard them. Even with millions in the bank, millionaires still worry about money. It sounds absurd. How is that possible?!
I’ll tell you how: it’s the same reason you’re never thin enough, why your bank account is never full enough, and why your relationship isn’t quite what you’d hoped for. It’s the same reason three pounds overweight still feels like being overweight—because “overweight” is a state of mind, not a condition dictated by any number.
You’re still thinking, Bez—c’mon! If I were 3 pounds above my goal weight, I would be feeling great about myself! You should, too!
Well, I’m going to break the bad news to you right now: unless you consistently feel great about yourself at every weight, you won’t feel great about yourself even once you reach your goal.
There will just be another goal to reach. And then another one. And it will never get any better. If you’re a goal-oriented person like me, your single orientation will always be around reaching the next goal—not actually enjoying the ones you’ve attained.
“Once I had the partner of my dreams—then I’d be satisfied.”
Let’s call a spade a space: you’ll be satisfied the day you choose to be satisfied.
That’s how this goes.
In money, in fitness, and in your relationships.
If you’re like me, your passionate and driven. (If you’re not like me, then why are you still reading??) You want the best: the best relationship, the most pleasure, real freedom, hot sex, true love. You don’t want to fly on autopilot in your relationships, you want to steer straight towards your own awakening. You crave excellence in yourself and your partner. You want to look back at your life and feel a deep sense of satisfaction.
This drive of mine is a gorgeous devotion to excellence. It has me willing to take risks and be a pioneer of consciousness.
Yet on the relationship front… er, not so much.
Because this trap is very, very sticky.
When you think that you’ll be happy “once my partner _________”—well, then, you’ll never be happy.
Can you see this trap in motion in your life? Happiness in relationship doesn’t come when your partner finally proves their love to you. It’s the freely giving away of love and trust that makes being in relationship so compelling, exhilarating, and fulfilling. It’s not through constant nitpicking, but instead through the front-loading of belief in and approval of someone else that has them become great before your eyes.
I see this over and over again with my clients, especially in women: we want our partners to prove that we can trust them—then we’ll let go! We want him to prove that he can handle us so we feel comfortable being ourselves. But this bartering system that never works. If you’re waiting for your partner to prove themselves to you, they’ll never do it. They can’t. Because your attitude is one of waiting for proof, not one of being yourself no matter what.
If you’re waiting for him to “get it”—he’s never going to. He’ll “get it” the day you stop making him prove to you that he gets it. He’ll “get it” once you stop putting him through his paces hoping he’ll come out victorious, and simply start respecting him up front, with no evidence required.
It’s true in every area of life: once you choose to enjoy your experience no matter the circumstance, then you gain true satisfaction.
That doesn’t mean everything is perfect all the time. It doesn’t mean you must tolerate situations you don’t like, or that nothing will ever get better. This isn’t about faking a smile and hoping for the best. It simply means that if you cultivate an attitude of enjoyment, then you will continue to enjoy your life and relationships as they evolve and change. Regardless of the number in the bank, you can feel relaxed and abundant. Ask anyone in a third world country. It’s more than possible. You can equally find ultimate freedom or ultimate hell whether you’re in prison or in a penthouse. The circumstances do not matter.
You may gain or lose health. You might rise or fall in fortune. Love flits in and back out again. But your outlook is yours. That is all you’ve got to work with. However your life is now, it is never going to get any better unless you decide to take the risk of choosing how to be and how to interact with your life and your relationships, no matter what the circumstances may be.
We often think that there’s a golden prize waiting for us at the end of our hard work. Once we’ve earned enough, dieted enough, or got the right man—then we’ll get to claim that prize.
There is a golden prize in life. It’s just not at the end of the rainbow.
It’s not hiding out of sight—it’s everywhere.
It’s right here. Just pick it up. Separate your attitude from the evidence of whether you’re successful or not.
Decide that you’re hot here and now. Then you can lose or gain weight and it won’t matter—because you’re hot.
Decide to love and trust up front, with no proof required, and watch what happens to your relationships.
Quit waiting for the money to roll in. Enjoy your life now.
That way when you have more money, you’ll really know how to enjoy it. Because your’e committed to true enjoyment of your life—not to waiting for enough evidence that you can finally enjoy yourself.