Why Stuffing the Holes Doesn't Work:3 Quirky Solutions to "It's Not Enough!"
Lately I’ve been in a insatiable mood… It may sound titillating at first, but it’s actually highly uncomfortable. It’s one of those ravenous moods where nothing is enough. Nothing. I have been eating truck loads of food and still ranging around the kitchen after, picking scraps off the counters like a caged animal. Sex can’t possibly be hard enough, fast enough, or last long enough. When it’s over it like it never happened. I want it just as much as I did before we started.
It’s as if there’s a hole inside, a bottomless pit demanding to be filled.
But no matter what I put into, it never feels full.
That’s because bottomless pits don’t work that way. Their nature is to be empty, to stay hungry and keep consuming more with no satisfaction in sight. Just an endless feeling of, “There’s never enough.”
If you experience this feeling, you know what a downward spiral it can be. Here are three quirky ways to get out of that bottomless hole—with food and with sex and with everything else:
It’s sensation, not story
Here’s what’s ultimately true: your feelings of hunger, desire, and dissatisfaction are just feelings—physical sensations in your body. In and of themselves, they are neither good nor bad. The story you attach to those sensations, however—can be torture.
Next time you feel that ravenous ache of the bottomless pit, simply stop and feel the sensations in your body. Feel your skin burn and your stomach ache. Notice the thought that comes: “I’ll never have what I want!” Separate the thought from the sensation. Feel the pure sensation as much as you can. See if you can even enjoy it.
There is actually a vast amount to feel right here, without adding anything else. How much can you feel and savor every detail of how it feels to be this hungry, even if you judge these feelings as uncomfortable?
Give yourself less—not more
Ironically, when we feel like we need AN ENDLESS AMOUNT to get full, it’s usually a sign that our capacity to digest—either food or experience—is smaller than we think. Gorging doesn’t actually feel that great. And it often just leaves us hungrier at the end. (Right?)
Try what we call “light strokes” instead: eat a tiny bit of really yummy food and savor it. Kiss slowly and softly rather than go straight to hard fucking. Get vulnerable in a conversation. Oftentimes this will begin to satisfy something deeper in us that actually can be filled up—a deeper desire to connection.
Put your attention on someone or something else
I know it seems like WE need more attention when we’re feeling starved and frenzied. But what’s often true is that unquenchable thirst is a sign that we’re full—not hungry. This can actually be a time of incredible creativity. (I know, it seems backwards—just trust me enough to try it for yourself.)
When you get that prowling, never-enough feeling deep inside, put your undivided attention on another person for 5 minutes. See how it changes your mood. Or pour all your focus into a project you care about for 15 minutes, and watch what this does to the sensations in your body.
Bez Maxwell is the CEO of OneTaste Santa Cruz and a sought-after Sex and Relationship Coach in Santa Cruz, CA. She specializes in supporting smart, powerful women—and the people who love them.