8 Reasons to Never Hide Them AgainEspecially when it comes to sex
How many of you smart, powerful women have ever thought of your needs as a hindrance? A vulnerable inconvenience that gets in the way of your fulfillment and attractiveness—especially when it comes to sex and relationships?
If you’re like most of us, you might have caught yourself imagining that if you could only have fewer needs—be less demanding or particular, overall less “difficult”—then you would be more attractive, a better partner, or more magnetic and powerful in your life.
In your imagination, becoming a bionic-woman who requires nothing but air to be fully satisfied might seem appealing. In your real life relationships and interactions, however, it’s the exact opposite.
Having needs is hot, powerful, compelling, and incredibly attractive for your partner. Your needs are good, real, and vulnerable, and offer helpful clues to your ultimate fulfillment. You’re actually doing yourself and your sweetie a favor by openly needing things—and then getting them. Here’s why:
- All humans have needs. It’s simply a part of our species; we need things. When you strive to be “above” having any needs, you are not hot—you are scary. You know that person in your life who is always smiling, loves to “help” others, and plays up how much they give and how little they take? Yeah, you most likely want to either smack that person every time you see them, or vacate the building because you sense they are about to blow up in a spew of resentment. When you pretend you don’t have any needs, you turn into that person. While your “needlessness” may invoke some temporary awe or praise, it won’t last. Because everyone has needs. Pretending you don’t makes you untrustworthy. Don’t do that to yourself or the people you care about.
- “Neediness” isn’t due to having needs—it’s due to having unmet needs. Often your allergy to having needs is because you’ve mixed up having needs with being needy. Neediness results from having a need and NOT getting it handled. It’s like not eating and then trying to pretend you’re not STARVING even as your stomach growls. Depriving yourself of your needs in order to prove how awesome you are is what makes you act “needy.” When it comes to sex, needs and desires are HOT. Neediness is not.
- NO one knows what they’re doing. I remember learning in some philosophy class in college that this human existence is like a party that got started way before you were born. The people who started the party have long since died. No one actually knows what the hell is going on or what they’re doing. Sex is the same. Everyone is literally fumbling in the dark, pretending like they know what they’re doing. When you need or want something, you are actually HELPING out your partner by providing some direction in the sheer chaos of a sexual encounter. Truly. Your needs are incredibly informative, for yourself and others. They illuminate a direction that feels good for your body, like a light in the darkness. Don’t pretend like your lover knows what’s going on. They don’t. This is true outside of the bedroom as well. True leaders and collaborators in every area of life are the people who are most willing to go out on a limb, acknowledge their needs and desires, and follow the trail mapped by getting them met.
- Desperation is incredibly compelling. Let’s get real—it’s just plain H.O.T. A desperate human is someone at their edge and beyond the limits of their own control. This is an irresistibly compelling and inspiring site to witness. If you’re like most women, and especially if you’re a strong, independent type, you most likely pride yourself on NEVER being desperate. Because you’ve viewed it as embarrassing, degrading, or deeply unattractive, especially to men. Let me show you a few other places where men in particular are rabidly attentive to and even PAY to watch people be desperate: sports (especially playoffs), survival-type shows, “Game of Thrones,” porn (yes it’s fake, and it’s better than nothing). Also most popular music, high-stakes businesses, extreme sports… The list goes on. So why shy away from it? As a woman, you probably avoid showing your “desperation” in order to seem more put together. You know the drill: you’re not supposed to text him back “too quickly” or be too horny or let him know how much you care. You’re supposed to be strong and have your shit together right? I’ll tell you the strongest, bravest thing you could ever do: befriend the desperate part of you that longs for contact, wails for sexual touch, wants to crack open and falls apart. Befriend that part of yourself, and then show it to another human being.
- Needs are vulnerable, and therefore inspiring. A true need is something you can’t live without. You’re probably treating your needs as optional, when in fact they are not. This is true in particular of your sexual needs. When you do this, you show up to your relationship half-empty—and then wonder why it feels lopsided, unfulfilling, or frustrating. When you take your needs seriously, you realize just how vulnerable they are. Admitting that you need something reveals a part of you that is undeniable. That is an incredibly vulnerable thing to do. Showing vulnerability is the most inspiring thing any human can do. Have you noticed other places in your life that when you get “real,” people pay attention? And want to help you? And even express gratitude for your bravery, thoughtfulness, or leadership? Remember, vulnerability can be anything from quietly exposing a supposed “weakness” or to getting up on front of thousands of people to show your excellence. Revealing the undeniable is vulnerable. When it comes to sex, it’s also incredibly arousing, connecting, and attractive.
- When you have a need, someone gets to be your hero. Humans are hard-wired for altruism. According to scientific studies, it’s actually more inspiring and fulfilling to help out someone else or a group than to receive personal gains. Men, in particular, are wired to fix problems. But you know this because your male partners, friends, or colleagues are always trying to “fix” you instead of just listening… right? Ok—stop getting annoyed at them and instead start using this incredible asset to skyrocket your fulfillment. Have you ever experienced your partner pulling away from you? And then thought, “I need to stop this! Maybe if I changed my behavior maybe he’ll get more interested in me…” In those instances, I bet you rarely think, “I will change my behavior by expressing more of my needs and making sure I get them 100% met.” You most likely instead try to minimize your needs to both show him that you’re not too demanding and also that you don’t really need him. That is uninspiring. (See 4 and 5.) Men thrive and feel purposeful when they get the chance to fulfill your needs and desires. So quit ripping him off and start wanting more great, real, and powerful things!! You’ll BOTH feel happier, more connected, and more satisfied.
- Being open about your needs will sort the right people into your life and the wrong people out. That’s what I pray for—for myself and those I love. Now I’ll pray for you, if you’ll accept it. I pray that you are SO TRUE to yourself and your needs and desires that you simply end up surrounded by those who are meant for you. That you never work another moment to “keep” someone near you or to try to make them fit into your life. When you’re willing to stop sacrificing yourself, and instead start getting your needs MET once and for all, you will begin to naturally see who fits in with your life and who doesn’t. While this process may be painful, I’ve found it’s well worth doing. The people who aren’t interested in meeting your needs or who go against them usually require you to stay needy—rather than support you in being full. It’s worth taking the risk and seeing what happens, rather than staying in a state of neediness just to avoid finding out the truth.
- When you have your needs met, you can afford to be generous. When you are in a state of denying your needs, you are half-empty. Sharing yourself with your partner sexually will feel like a chore and take effort. This is when sex feels like “work.” When your needs are met—not just in sex, but also in every area of your life—sharing yourself is effortless because you are so full that you are literally spilling over. It doesn’t cost you ANYTHING to give or serve, and even the roles of “giver” or “receiver” fall away. You are simply full, turned on, and overflowing with YOURSELF. This is an incredibly attractive and compelling state for a woman to be in. It’s truly like witnessing the divine, regardless of what you believe in spiritually. This state also FEELS really good for you to be in. Use your intuition as a clue here. It will speak to you quietly at first and the progress in order to get your attention—from a little niggle of “this doesn’t feel quite right” to flat out exhaustion. Those nights when you think, “I don’t want to do this, there’s got to be something better…” That feeling is to your advantage because a) it’s true, you don’t want to do this and there IS something better! And b) it signals an unmet need of yours that you can now identify and get met for yourself.
Are you ready to know what you need and then get it? After reading this article, identify one need of yours—one thing that in regards to sex, relationship, or intimacy that if you had an unending supply of, your life would be so much better. If could be something tangible like more oral sex, something emotional like “more affection,” or something conceptual like “freedom” or “more alone time.”
Whatever it is, whether it’s something sensible or extravagant—if it’s your NEED, GET IT MET. How are you going to do that? What’s one step you could take towards getting that need fulfilled?
Then notice what happens to your life and your relationships as you become less needy and more attractive, real, and powerful. Tell me about what you’re doing in the comments below. I would really enjoy hearing about your needs and what you’re doing to get them handled so you become the hottest, most compelling version of yourself.
Want to understand how you’re training your partner to show up less than he* wants to—and learn the effortless way to have the relationship you want with him?
*insert your sweetie’s gender here